The Catbird Seat

TheCatbirdSeatJamesThurberMr.MartinboughtthepackofCamelsonMondaynightinthemostcrowdedcigarstoreonBroadway.Itwastheatretimeandsevenoreightmenwerebuyingcigarettes.Theclerkdidn'tevenglanceatMr.Martin,whoputthepackinhisovercoatpocketandwentout.IfanyofthestaffatF&Shadseenhimbuythecigarettes,theywouldhavebeenastonished,foritwasgenerallyknownthatMr.Martindidnotsmoke,andneverhad.Noonesawhim.ItwasjustaweektothedaysinceMr.MartinhaddecidedtoruboutMrs.UlgineBarrows.Theterm"rubout"pleasedhimbecauseitsuggestednothingmorethanthecorrectionofanerror--inthiscaseanerrorofMr.Fitweiler.Mr.Martinhadspenteachnightofthepastweekworkingouthisplanandexaminingit.Ashewalkedhomenowhewentoveritagain.Forthehundredthtimeheresentedtheelementofimprecision,themarginofguessworkthatenteredintothebusiness.Theprojectashehadworkeditoutwascasualandbold,theriskswereconsiderable.Somethingmightgowronganywherealongtheline.Andthereinlaythecunningofhisscheme.Noonewouldeverseeinitthecautious,painstakinghandofErwinMartin,headofthefilingdepartmentatF&S,ofwhomMr.Fitweilerhadoncesaid,"ManisfalliblebutMartinisn't."Noonewouldseehishand,thatis,unlessitwerecaughtintheact.Sittinginhisapartment,drinkingaglassofmilk,Mr.MartinreviewedhiscaseagainstMrs.UlgineBarrows,ashehadeverynightforsevennights.Hebeganatthebeginning.HerquackingvoiceandbrayinglaughhadfirstprofanedthehallsofF&SonMarch7,1941(Mr.Martinhadaheadfordates).OldRoberts,thepersonnelchief,hadintroducedherasthenewlyappointedspecialadvisertothepresidentofthefirm,Mr.Fitweiler.ThewomanhadappalledMr.Martininstantly,buthehadn'tshownit.Hehadgivenherhisdryhand,alookofstudiousconcentration,andafaintsmile."Well,"shehadsaid,lookingatthepapersonhisdesk,"areyouliftingtheoxcartoutoftheditch?"AsMr.Martinrecalledthatmoment,overhismilk,hesquirmedslightly.Hemustkeephismindonhercrimesasaspecialadviser,notonherpeccadillosasapersonality.Thishefounddifficulttodo,inspiteofenteringanobjectionandsustainingit.Thefaultsofthewomanasawomankeptchatteringoninhismindlikeanunrulywitness.Shehad,foralmosttwoyearsnow,baitedhim.Inthehalls,intheelevator,eveninhisownoffice,intowhichsherompednowandthenlikeacircushorse,shewasconstantlyshoutingthesesillyquestionsathim."Areyouliftingtheoxcartoutoftheditch?Areyoutearingupthepeapatch?Areyouholleringdowntherainbarrel?Areyouscrapingaroundthebottomofthepicklebarrel?Areyousittinginthecatbirdseat?"ItwasJoeyHart,oneofMr.Martin'stwoassistants,whohadexplainedwhatthegibberishmeant."ShemustbeaDodgerfan,"hehadsaid."RedBarberannouncestheDodgergamesovertheradioandheusesthoseexpressions--picked'emupdownSouth."Joeyhadgoneontoexplainoneortwo."Tearingupthepeapatch"meantgoingonarampage;"sittinginthecatbirdseat"meanssittingpretty,likeabatterwiththreeballsandnostrikesonhim.Mr.Martindismissedallthiswithaneffort.Ithadbeenannoying,ithaddrivenhimneartodistraction,buthewastoosolidamantobemovedtomurderbyanythingsochildish.Itwasfortunate,hereflectedashepassedontotheimportantchargesagainstMrs.Barrows,thathehadstoodupunderitsowell.Hehadmaintainedalwaysanoutwardappearanceofpolitetolerance."Why,Ievenbelieveyoulikethewoman,"MissPaird,hisotherassistant,hadoncesaidtohim.Hehadsimplysmiled.AgavelrappedinMr.Martin'smindandthecaseproperwasresumed.Mrs.UlgineBarrowsstoodchargedwithwilful,blatant,andpersistentattemptstodestroytheefficiencyandsystemofF&S.Itwascompetent,material,andrelevanttoreviewheradventandrisetopower.Mr.MartinhadgotthestoryfromMissPaird,whoseemedalwaysabletofindthingsout.Accordingtoher,Mrs.BarrowshadmetMr.Fitweilerataparty,whereshehadrescuedhimfromtheembracesofapowerfullybuiltdrunkenmanwhohadmistakenthepresidentofF&SforafamousretiredMiddleWesternfootballcoach.Shehadledhimtoasofaandsomehowworkeduponhimamonstrousmagic.Theageinggentlemanhadjumpedtotheconclusionthereandthenthatthiswasawomanofsingularattainments,equippedtobringoutthebestinhimandinthefirm.AweeklaterhehadintroducedherintoF&Sashisspecialadviser.Onthatdayconfusiongotitsfootinthedoor.AfterMissTyson,Mr.Brundage,andMr.BartletthadbeenfiredandMr.Munsonhadtakenhishatandstalkedout,mailinginhisresignationlater,oldRobertshadbeenemboldenedtospeaktoMr.Fitweiler.HementionedthatMr.Munson'sdepartmenthadbeen"alittledisrupted"andhadn'ttheyperhapsbetterresumetheoldsystemthere?Mr.Fitweilerhadsaidcertainlynot.HehadthegreatestfaithinMrs.Barrows'ideas."Theyrequirealittleseasoning,alittleseasoning,isall,"hehadadded.Mr.Robertshadgivenitup.Mr.MartinreviewedindetailallthechangeswroughtbyMrs.Barrows.Shehadbegunchippingatthecornicesofthefirm'sedificeandnowshewasswingingatthefoundationstoneswithapickaxe.Mr.Martincamenow,inhissummingup,totheafternoonofMonday,November2,1942-justoneweekago.Onthatday,at3P.M.,Mrs.Barrowshadbouncedintohisoffice."Boo!"shehadyelled."Areyouscrapingaroundthebottomofthepicklebarrel?"Mr.Martinhadlookedatherfromunderhisgreeneye-shade,sayingnothing.Shehadbeguntowanderabouttheoffice,takingitinwithhergreat,poppingeyes."Doyoureallyneedallthesefilingcabinets?"shehaddemandedsuddenly.Mr.Martin'shearthadjumped."Eachofthesefiles,"hehadsaid,keepinghisvoiceeven,"playsanindispensablepartinthesystemofF&S."Shehadbrayedathim,"Well,don'ttearupthepeapatch!"andgonetothedoor.Fromthereshehadbawled,"Butyousurehavegotalotoffinescrapinhere!"Mr.Martincouldnolongerdoubtthatthefingerwasonhisbeloveddepartment.Herpickaxewasontheupswing,poisedforthefirstblow.Ithadnotcomeyet;hehadreceivednobluememofromtheenchantedMr.Fitweilerbearingnonsensicalinstructionsderivingfromtheobscenewoman.ButtherewasnodoubtinMr.Martin'smindthatonewouldbeforthcoming.Hemustactquickly.Alreadyapreciousweekhadgoneby.Mr.Martinstoodupinhislivingroom,stillholdinghismilkglass."Gentlemenofthejury,"hesaidtohimself,"Idemandthedeathpenaltyforthishorribleperson."ThenextdayMr.Martinfollowedhisroutine,asusual.Hepolishedhisglassesmoreoftenandoncesharpenedanalreadysharppencil,butnotevenMissPairdnoticed.Onlyoncedidhecatchsightofhisvictim;shesweptpasthiminthehallwithapatronizing"Hi!"Atfive-thirtyhewalkedhome,asusual,andhadaglassofmilk,asusual.Hehadneverdrunkanythingstrongerinhislife--unlessyoucouldcountgingerale.ThelateSamSchlosser,theSofF&S,hadpraisedMr.Martinatastaffmeetingseveralyearsbeforeforhistemperatehabits."Ourmostefficientworkerneitherdrinksnorsmokes,"hehadsaid."Theresultsspeakforthemselves."Mr.Fitweilerhadsatby,noddingapproval.Mr.Martinwasstillthinkingaboutthatred-letterdayashewalkedovertotheSchrafft'sonFifthAvenuenearForty-sixthStreet.Hegotthere,ashealwaysdid,ateighto'clock.HefinishedhisdinnerandthefinancialpageoftheSunataquartertonine,ashealwaysdid.Itwashiscustomafterdinnertotakeawalk.ThistimehewalkeddownFifthAvenueatacasualpace.Hisglovedhandsfeltmoistandwarm,hisforeheadcold.HetransferredtheCamelsfromhisovercoattoajacketpocket.Hewondered,ashedidso,iftheydidnotrepresentanunnecessarynoteofstrain.Mrs.BarrowssmokedonlyLuckies.ItwashisideatopuffafewpuffsonaCamel(aftertherubbing-out),stubitoutintheashtrayholdingherlipstick-stainedLuckies,andthusdragasmallredherringacrossthetrailtrail.Perhapsitwasnotagoodidea.Itwouldtaketime.Hemightevenchoke,tooloudly.Mr.MartinhadneverseenthehouseonWestTwelfthStreetwhereMrs.Barrowslived,buthehadaclearenoughpictureofit.Fortunately,shehadbraggedtoeverybodyaboutherduckyfirst-floorapartmentintheperfectlydarlingthree-storyred-brick.Therewouldbenodoormanorotherattendants;justthetenantsofthesecondandthirdfloors.Ashewalkedalong,Mr.Martinrealizedthathewouldgettherebeforenine-thirty.HehadconsideredwalkingnorthonFifthAvenuefromSchrafft'stoapointfromwhichitwouldtakehimuntilteno'clocktoreachthehouse.Atthathourpeoplewerelesslikelytobecominginorgoingout.Buttheprocedurewouldhavemadeanawkwardloopinthestraightthreadofhiscasualnessandhehadabandonedit.Itwasimpossibletofigurewhenpeoplewouldbeenteringorleavingthehouse,anyway.Therewasagreatriskatanyhour.Ifheranintoanybody,hewouldsimplyhavetoplacetherubbing-outofUlgineBarrowsintheinactivefileforever.Thesamethingwouldholdtrueifthereweresomeoneinherapartment.Inthatcasehewouldjustsaythathehadbeenpassingby,recognizedhercharminghouse,andthoughttodropin.ItwaseighteenminutesafterninewhenMr.MartinturnedintoTwelfthStreet.Amanpassedhim,andamanandawoman,talking.Therewasnoonewithinfiftypaceswhenhecametothehouse,halfwaydowntheblock.Hewasupthestepsandinthesmallvestibuleinnotime,pressingthebellunderthecardthatsaid"Mrs.UlgineBarrows."Whentheclickinginthelockstarted,hejumpedforwardagainstthedoor.Hegotinsidefast,closingthedoorbehindhim.Abulbinalanternhungfromthehallceilingonachainseemedtogiveamonstrouslybrightlight.Therewasnobodyonthestair,whichwentupaheadofhimalongtheleftwall.Adooropeneddownthehallinthewallontheright.Hewenttowarditswiftly,ontiptoe."Well,forGod'ssake,lookwho'shere!"bawledMrs.Barrows,andherbrayinglaughrangoutlikethereportofashotgun.Herushedpastherlikeafootballtackle,bumpingher."Hey,quitshoving!"shesaid,closingthedoorbehindthem.Theywereinherlivingroom,whichseemedtoMr.Martintobelightedbyahundredlamps."What'safteryou?"shesaid."You'reasjumpyasagoat."Hefoundhewasunabletospeak.Hisheartwaswheezinginhisthroat."I--yes,"hefinallybroughtout.Shewasjabberingandlaughingasshestartedtohelphimoffwithhiscoat."No,no,"hesaid."I'llputithere."Hetookitoffandputitonachairnearthedoor."Yourhatandgloves,too,"shesaid."You'reinalady'shouse."Heputhishatontopofthecoat.Mrs.Barrowsseemedlargerthanhehadthought.Hekepthisgloveson."Iwaspassingby,"hesaid."Irecognized--isthereanyonehere?"Shelaughedlouderthanever."No,"shesaid,"we'reallalone.You'reaswhiteasasheet,youfunnyman.Whateverhascomeoveryou?I'llmixyouatoddy."Shestartedtowardadooracrosstheroom."Scotch-and-sodabeallright?Butsay,youdon'tdrink,doyou?"Sheturnedandgavehimheramusedlook.Mr.Martinpulledhimselftogether."Scotch-and-sodawillbeallright,"heheardhimselfsay.Hecouldhearherlaughinginthekitchen.Mr.Martinlookedquicklyaroundthelivingroomfortheweapon.Hehadcountedonfindingonethere.TherewereandironsandapokerandsomethinginacornerthatlookedlikeanIndianclub.Noneofthemwoulddo.Itcouldn'tbethatway.Hebegantopacearound.Hecametoadesk.Onitlayametalpaperknifewithanornatehandle.Woulditbesharpenough?Hereachedforitandknockedoverasmallbrassjar.StampsspilledoutofitanditfelltotheBoorwithaclatter."Hey,"Mrs.Barrowsyelledfromthekitchen,"areyoutearingupthepeapatch?"Mr.Martingaveastrangelaugh.Pickinguptheknife,hetrieditspointagainsthisleftwrist.Itwasblunt.Itwouldn'tdo.WhenMrs.Barrowsreappeared,carryingtwohighballs,Mr.Martin,standingtherewithhisgloveson,becameacutelyconsciousofthefantasyhehadwrought.Cigarettesinhispocket,adrinkpreparedforhim--itwasalltoogrosslyimprobable.Itwasmorethanthat;itwasimpossible.Somewhereinthebackofhismindavagueideastirred,sprouted."Forheaven'ssake,takeoffthosegloves,"saidMrs.Barrows."Ialwaysweartheminthehouse,"saidMr.Martin.Theideabegantobloom,strangeandwonderful.Sheputtheglassesonacoffeetableinfrontofthesofaandsatonthesofa."Comeoverhere,youoddlittleman,"shesaid.Mr.Martinwentoverandsatbesideher.ItwasdifficultgettingacigaretteoutofthepackofCamels,buthemanagedit.Sheheldamatchforhim,laughing."Well,"shesaid,handinghimhisdrink,"thisisperfectlymarvellous.Youwithadrinkandacigarette."Mr.Martinpuffed,nottooawkwardly,andtookagulpofthehighball."Idrinkandsmokeallthetime,"hesaid.Heclinkedhisglassagainsthers."Here'snutstothatoldwindbag,Fitweiler,"hesaid,andgulpedagain.Thestufftastedawful,buthemadenogrimace."Really,Mr.Martin,"shesaid,hervoiceandposturechanging,"youareinsultingouremployer."Mrs.Barrowswasnowallspecialadvisertothepresident."Iampreparingabomb,"saidMr.Martin,"whichwillblowtheoldgoathigherthanhell."Hehadonlyhadalittleofthedrink,whichwasnotstrong.Itcouldn'tbethat."Doyoutakedopeorsomething?"Mrs.Barrowsaskedcoldly."Heroin,"saidMr.Martin."I'llbecokedtothegillswhenIbumpthatoldbuzzardoff.""Mr.Martin!"sheshouted,gettingtoherfeet."Thatwillbeallofthat.Youmustgoatonce."Mr.Martintookanotherswallowofhisdrink.HetappedhiscigaretteoutintheashtrayandputthepackofCamelsonthecoffeetable.Thenhegotup.Shestoodglaringathim.Hewalkedoverandputonhishatandcoat."Notawordaboutthis,"hesaid,andlaidanindexfingeragainsthislips.AllMrs.Barrowscouldbringoutwas"Really!"Mr.Martinputhishandonthedoorknob."I'msittinginthecatbirdseat,"hesaid.Hestuckhistongueoutatherandleft.Nobodysawhimgo.Mr.Martingottohisapartment,walking,wellbeforeeleven.Noonesawhimgoin.Hehadtwoglassesofmilkafterbrushinghisteeth,andhefeltelated.Itwasn'ttipsiness,becausehehadn'tbeentipsy.Anyway,thewalkhadwornoffalleffectsofthewhiskey.Hegotinbedandreadamagazineforawhile.Hewasasleepbeforemidnight.Mr.Martingottotheofficeateight-thirtythenextmorning,asusual.Ataquartertonine,UlgineBarrows,whohadneverbeforearrivedatworkbeforeten,sweptintohisoffice."I'mreportingtoMr.Fitweilernow!"sheshouted."Ifheturnsyouovertothepolice,it'snomorethanyoudeserve!"Mr.Martingaveheralookofshockedsurprise."Ibegyourpardon?"hesaid.Mrs.Barrowssnortedandbouncedoutoftheroom,leavingMissPairdandJoeyHartstaringafterher."What'sthematterwiththatolddevilnow?"askedMissPaird."Ihavenoidea,"saidMr.Martin,resuminghiswork.Theothertwolookedathimandthenateachother.MissPairdgotupandwentout.ShewalkedslowlypastthecloseddoorofMr.Fitweiler'soffice.Mrs.Barrowswasyellinginside,butshewasnotbraying.MissPairdcouldnothearwhatthewomanwassaying.Shewentbacktoherdesk.Forty-fiveminuteslater,Mrs.Barrowsleftthepresident'sofficeandwentintoherown,shuttingthedoor.Itwasn'tuntilhalfanhourlaterthatMr.FitweilersentforMr.Martin.Theheadofthefilingdepartment,neat,quiet,attentive,stoodinfrontoftheoldman'sdesk.Mr.Fitweilerwaspaleandnervous.Hetookhisglassesoffandtwiddledthem.Hemadeasmall,bruffingsoundinhisthroat."Martin,"hesaid,"youhavebeenwithusmorethantwentyyears.""Twenty-two,sir,"saidMr.Martin."Inthattime,"pursuedthepresident,"yourworkandyour--uh--mannerhavebeenexemplary.""Itrustso,sir,"saidMr.Martin."Ihaveunderstood,Martin,"saidMr.Fitweiler,"thatyouhavenevertakenadrinkorsmoked.""Thatiscorrect,sir,"saidMr.Martin."Ah,yes."Mr.Fitweilerpolishedhisglasses."Youmaydescribewhatyoudidafterleavingtheofficeyesterday,Martin,"hesaid.Mr.Martinallowedlessthanasecondforhisbewilderedpause."Certainly,sir,"hesaid."Iwalkedhome.ThenIwenttoSchrafft'sfordinner.AfterwardIwalkedhomeagain.Iwenttobedearly,sir,andreadamagazineforawhile.Iwasasleepbeforeeleven.""Ah,yes,"saidMr.Fitweileragain.Hewassilentforamoment,searchingfortheproperwordstosaytotheheadofthefilingdepartment."Mrs.Barrows,"hesaidfinally,"Mrs.Barrowshasworkedhard,Martin,veryhard.Itgrievesmetoreportthatshehassufferedaseverebreakdown.Ithastakentheformofapersecutioncomplexaccompaniedbydistressinghallucinations.""Iamverysorry,sir,"saidMr.Martin."Mrs.Barrowsisunderthedelusion,"continuedMr.Fitweiler,"thatyouvisitedherlasteveningandbehavedyourselfinan--uh--unseemlymanner."HeraisedhishandtosilenceMr.Martin'slittlepainedoutcry."Itisthenatureofthesepsychologicaldiseases,"Mr.Fitweilersaid,"tofixupontheleastlikelyandmostinnocentpartyasthe--uh--sourceofpersecution.Thesemattersarenotforthelaymindtograsp,Martin.I'vejusthavemypsychiatrist,Dr.Fitch,onthephone.Hewouldnot,ofcourse,commithimself,buthemadeenoughgeneralizationstosubstantiatemysuspicions.IsuggestedtoMrs.Barrows,whenshehadcompletedher-uh--storytomethismorning,thatshevisitDr.Fitch,forIsuspectedaconditionatonce.Sheflew,Iregrettosay,intoarage,anddemanded--uh--requestedthatIcallyouonthecarpet.Youmaynotknow,Martin,butMrs.Barrowshadplannedareorganizationofyourdepartment--subjecttomyapproval,ofcourse,subjecttomyapproval.Thisbroughtyou,ratherthananyoneelse,tohermind--butagainthatisaphenomenonforDr.Fitchandnotforus.So,Martin,IamafraidMrs.Barrows'usefulnesshereisatanend.""Iamdreadfullysorry,sir,"saidMr.Martin.Itwasatthispointthatthedoortotheofficeblewopenwiththesuddennessofagas-mainexplosionandMrs.Barrowscatapultedthroughit."Isthelittleratdenyingit?"shescreamed."Hecan'tgetawaywiththat!"Mr.MartingotupandmoveddiscreetlytoapointbesideMr.Fitweiler'schair."Youdrankandsmokedatmyapartment,"shebawledatMr.Martin,"andyouknowit!YoucalledMr.Fitweileranoldwindbagandsaidyouweregoingtoblowhimupwhenyougotcokedtothegillsonyourheroin!"Shestoppedyellingtocatchherbreathandanewglintcameintoherpoppingeyes."Ifyouweren'tsuchadrab,ordinarylittleman,"shesaid,"I'dthinkyou'dplanneditall.Stickingyourtongueout,sayingyouweresittinginthecatbirdseat,becauseyouthoughtnoonewouldbelievemewhenItoldit!MyGod,it'sreallytooperfect!"Shebrayedloudlyandhysterically,andthefurywasonheragain.SheglaredatMr.Fitweiler."Can'tyouseehowhehastrickedus,youoldfool?Can'tyouseehislittlegame?"ButMr.FitweilerhadbeensurreptitiouslypressingallthebuttonsunderthetopofhisdeskandemployeesofF&Sbeganpouringintotheroom."Stockton,"saidMr.Fitweiler,"youandFishbeinwilltakeMrs.Barrowstoherhome.Mrs.Powell,youwillgowiththem."Stockton,whohadplayedalittlefootballinhighschool,blockedMrs.BarrowsasshemadeforMr.Martin.IttookhimandFishbeintogethertoforceheroutofthedoorintothehall,crowdedwithstenographersandofficeboys.ShewasstillscreamingimprecationsatMr.Martin,tangledandcontradictoryimprecations.Thehubbubfinallydiedoutdowninthecorridor."Iregretthatthishappened,"saidMr.Fitweiler."Ishallaskyoutodismissitfromyourmind,Martin.""Yes,sir,"saidMr.Martin,anticipatinghischief's"Thatwillbeall"bymovingtothedoor."Iwilldismissit."Hewentoutandshutthedoor,andhisstepwaslightandquickinthehall.Whenheenteredhisdepartmenthehadsloweddowntohiscustomarygait,andhewalkedquietlyacrosstheroomtotheW20file,wearingalookofstudiousconcentration.