老友记第二季字幕

201 The One With Ross' New Girlfriend [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a montague of scenes from Ross and Rachel.] PHOEBE: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been? OPENING CREDITS [Scene, The Airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman.] RACHEL: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a bench and falls down.) ROSS: Rache! RACHEL: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.) ROSS: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened? RACHEL: What? ROSS: You're bleeding. RACHEL: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. I wanna hear everything! (Looks at Julie) ROSS: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel. RACHEL: These are, these aren't for you. (to Julie) These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't speak English.) Welcome to our country. JULIE: (Loudly, proving she can speak English.) Thank you. I'm from New York. RACHEL: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross.] CHANDLER:  No way! MONICA: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross! PHOEBE: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge? JOEY: Um, this? PHOEBE: Yes. MONICA: Guys, you got your hair cut. CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay. PHOEBE: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice. RACHEL: (entering, out of breath) Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp. CHANDLER: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs. RACHEL: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you slowpokes! ROSS: That's all right, Rache, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler.  Phoebe.  Joey, what up?  JOEY: What up?! ROSS: Everyone, this is Julie. RACHEL: (out of breath) Julie. ALL: Ohh. (Happily) Hi! JULIE: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me. ROSS: And bus. JULIE: Oh my god. ROSS:  The screaming guy? JULIE:  And the spitting? ROSS: You gotta hear this story. JULIE: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old... ROSS: At least. JULIE:  ...and this guy-- RACHEL: And the chicken poops in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about. MONICA: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen? JULIE: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together. ROSS: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig. RACHEL: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic? MONICA: It's an expression. ROSS: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby. JULIE: And then we've gotta get some sleep. ROSS: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time. CHANDLER: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised. (Ross and Julie exit) RACHEL: Bye. (She closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize with her.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.] ROSS: Hey, Rache, can I get some coffee? RACHEL: Yeah, sure. ROSS: Thank you. CHANDLER: Hey, Rache, can I get-- RACHEL: Did you talk to him? CHANDLER: Not yet. RACHEL: Then, no. (He goes to sit down next to Ross.) CHANDLER: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know. ROSS: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was? CHANDLER: God? ROSS: It was you, pal. CHANDLER: Well, maybe it was God, doing me. ROSS: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you. CHANDLER: Well, you owe me one, big guy. RACHEL: Here's your lemonade. ROSS: I didn't order lemonade. RACHEL: Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that. ROSS: But-- RACHEL: Go go go go, come on! (to Chandler) So then, well, what did you find out? CHANDLER: He said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever. RACHEL: How is that the silver lining? CHANDLER: You have to really wanna see it. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching TV.] ROSS: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym. [cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.] MONICA: Phoebes, you know what I'm thinking? PHOEBE: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it? MONICA: No, although now that's what I'm thinking. PHOEBE: All right, so what were you thinking? MONICA: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine? PHOEBE: Ohh! No. MONICA: Why not? PHOEBE: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak. MONICA: No you're not. PHOEBE: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings. (The phone rings.) JOEY: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you. (Throws him the phone.) ROSS: (on phone) Hello? Hi. CHANDLER: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor? JOEY: Needs some clothes altered? CHANDLER: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk. JOEY: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. (still confused) All right, when was 1990? CHANDLER: You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance! ROSS: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. (motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up either. RACHEL: She didn't hang up either! ROSS: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y-- RACHEL: (taking the phone and hanging it up) Sorry, I thought you were talking to me. ROSS: Rachel! I'll just call her back. RACHEL: Okay! ROSS: (calls Julie back) Hi?  Sorry, we got disconnected... RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have. MONICA: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too. RACHEL: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smoching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here. CHANDLER: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.] JOEY: You know, I think I was sixteen. MONICA: Please, just a little bit off the back. PHOEBE: I'm still on "no". RACHEL: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec? JOEY: No no no no no, (grabs his pants) I'm not fallin' for that again. PHOEBE: What's goin' on? RACHEL: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night. CHANDLER: What stupid thing did you do? PAOLO: Bon giorno tutti! PHOEBE: Ewww! COMMERCIAL BREAK [Scene: Monica and Rachel's continued from earlier.] RACHEL: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. MONICA: Rachel, how did this happen? RACHEL: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night. PHOEBE: Where? RACHEL: At his apartment. Is this juice? JOEY: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe? RACHEL: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser. MONICA: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad. CHANDLER: People do stupid things when they're upset. MONICA: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't--but this is about your horrible mistake. ROSS: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were--well, there was touching. PAOLO: Hey, hey Ross. ROSS: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here? PAOLO: I do Raquel. ROSS: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back. RACHEL: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem? ROSS: No, not a problem. RACHEL: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem. PHOEBE: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass. CHANDLER: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered. JOEY: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means. CHANDLER: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code? MONICA: You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter. PHOEBE: All right. Ok, but, but you have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it. MONICA: I promise. PHOEBE: All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing. [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing with her haircut.] PHOEBE: All right, that's it, I quit. MONICA: What? I didn't say anything. PHOEBE: Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person. MONICA: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed. PHOEBE: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it. MONICA: How who wears it? PHOEBE: Demi Moore. MONICA: Demi Moore is not a he. PHOEBE: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten. MONICA: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore. PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh my god! MONICA: Oh my god! PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore? MONICA: She's the actress who was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost. PHOEBE: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair. MONICA: I KNOW! [Scene: Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants altered.] FRANKIE: How long do you want the cuffs? CHANDLER: At least as long as I have the pants. FRANKIE: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam. (He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.] RACHEL: How is she? PHOEBE: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign. ROSS: How's the hair? PHOEBE: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. JOEY: Can we see her? PHOEBE: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, you come on in. (They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.) JOEY: How're you doing? RACHEL: I'm ok. JOEY: Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts. RACHEL: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me. JOEY: You gotta tell Ross how you feel. RACHEL: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie? JOEY: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years. RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know. JOEY: Look, Rache, Rache, I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you. CHANDLER: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man! JOEY: Frankie? What're you talking about? ROSS: (entering from teh bedroom) Hey, what's goin' on? CHANDLER: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me. ROSS: What? JOEY: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years. CHANDLER: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite-- ROSS: what? CHANDLER: Cupping. JOEY: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? ROSS: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you? JOEY: What? That's not? Oh my god. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day.  Monica is now out and about.] MONICA: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better. ROSS: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten. MONICA: Thank you. My hair is very amused. CHANDLER: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true. PHOEBE: Thank you. ROSS: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rache. RACHEL: (sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait, are you leaving? ROSS: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!" RACHEL: Well, can I talk to you for a sec? ROSS: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony) JOEY: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test... CHANDLER: That's ok. [Out on the balcony] ROSS: What's goin' on? RACHEL: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all, what? (Ross laughs) ROSS: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot? RACHEL: No. No-no-no-no. ROSS: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all? RACHEL: No, I think that was the whole all. [Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone.] JOEY: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her hair cut from Phoebe.] JULIE: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andy McDowell's new haircut? PHOEBE: You wanna do it right now? JULIE: Great! (Julie leaves) PHOEBE: (to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right? RACHEL: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andy McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes. PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you. RACHEL: You're welcome. END 202 The One With the Breast Milk [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.] MONICA: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.) PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him? SUSAN: Oh, is he hungry already? CAROL: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.) CHANDLER: You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen) JOEY: (joins him) I gotta get one, too. ROSS: (following them into the kitchen) What are you guys doing? CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle? ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world. JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it. ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on. (They go back into the living room) CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding? CAROL: Sure. JOEY: Uh, does it hurt? CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore. JOEY: Chandler? CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it? CAROL: As much as he needs. JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger? OPENING TITLES [Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.] JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffins left? RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones. JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one? ALL: No thanks. JULIE: Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her) RACHEL: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath to Chandler) What a bitch. JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it? PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet. MONICA: Ok, um, I'll go with you. JULIE: Great. ROSS: (enters) Hi, honey. CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums. ROSS: Hello to the rest. ALL:  Hi! JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel? MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it? CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship. MONICA: But I'm-- PHOEBE: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street. ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow? MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal. ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this. MONICA: You're welcome. PHOEBE: Woof, woof. [Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.] JOEY: Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle. ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy? JOEY: Who? ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man. JOEY: What's he doin' in my section? ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know. JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'? TODD: Mornin'. JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory. TODD: Your territory, huh? JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men? GUY: No thanks. TODD: Hombre? GUY: Yeah. All right. TODD: You were saying? [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.] MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day. PHOEBE: What? MONICA: We were shopping, and we had lunch. PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have? MONICA: You had a salad. PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full. RACHEL: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up. PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad. RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy? PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur. RACHEL: You went shopping for fur? PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs. RACHEL: You bought boobs? PHOEBE: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap) Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras. [Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.] JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee. ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans. TODD: Ready, Annabelle? ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time? JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.] CAROL: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep. ROSS: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son. SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person. RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute. SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him. ROSS: My mommies love me. That's clever. MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew? MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith. PHOEBE: Ben, dinner! ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that. PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. CHANDLER: What did you just do? PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what? ROSS: It's breast milk. PHOEBE: So? RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person. JOEY: What is the big deal? CHANDLER: What did you just do? ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk? PHOEBE: You won't even taste it? ROSS: No! PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk? ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it. MONICA: Hey, where is everybody? RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been? MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket. RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars? MONICA: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card. RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket MONICA: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent. RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with? MONICA: Judy. RACHEL: Who? MONICA: Julie. RACHEL: What? MONICA: Jody. RACHEL: You were with Julie? MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping. RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god. MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. RACHEL: Yeah, right. MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out. RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. MONICA: That is not true! RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here? MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid? RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it's not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve. CAROL: How did we do? PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out. ROSS: I did not freak out. CAROL: Why'd you freak out? ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross. CAROL: My breast milk is gross? SUSAN: This should be fun. ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults. CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike. CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. ROSS: That would be no. PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad. JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh-- SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice. JOEY: Exactly. ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it. SUSAN: Uh huh. ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it. SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true. ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel. CHANDLER: Howdy. JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre. CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed. JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day. CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you. JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese. CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run? JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right. CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie. JOEY: I'm gonna do it. CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker. MONICA: I don't know what else to say. RACHEL: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening. MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife? MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible? RACHEL: Yes. MONICA: It's that terrible? RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you. MONICA: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you. RACHEL: I love you too. PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that. MONICA: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me? RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know that. MONICA: I'd do anything for you. PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait! JOEY: Mornin'. I said, mornin'. TODD: I heard ya. STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready? TODD: Ready. JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready. CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing! STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do? TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. ANNABELLE: My god, what happened? JOEY: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now? ANNABELLE: Sure. JULIE: So. RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right? JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you. RACHEL: Really? Me? JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't. RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid. JULIE: Oy. RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right. JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something? RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it. JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later. RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative bitch. END 203 The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies CHANDLER: Hey. MONICA: So how was Joan? CHANDLER: I broke up with her. CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them. RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge. CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain. MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things? JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts. CHANDLER: You or me? ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples. JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right? ALL: Yeah. JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa." PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla. ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason. (knock) MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles. MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again. MONICA: We're not doing anything. MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds. RACHEL: You don't have birds. MR. HECKLES: I could have birds. MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down. MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party. RACHEL: All right, bye-bye. CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky. ROSS: We'll give you Janice. PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing." RACHEL: "Oh, my, god." JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!" MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise. RACHEL: We won. We won! MONICA: Mr. Heckles. RACHEL: How did this happen? MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand. MONICA: That's terrible. MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure, sweepin'. You never know. MR. TREEGER: You never know. PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles! CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true. JOEY: Such as? PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution? ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution? PHOEBE: Nah. Not really. ROSS: You don't believe in evolution? PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy. ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy? PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it. ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity. PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started on gravity. ROSS: You uh, you don't believe in gravity? PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed. (knock) CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you. MONICA: What can we do for you? MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine". MONICA: Well, what about his family? MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any. RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money. MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two. MONICA: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge! RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap? CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this? ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution? PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt! ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time. PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it? ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over. PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that. ROSS: Well, there you go. PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why? CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances." JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too. CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent. RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this. MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps. RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool. MONICA: It doesn't go with any of my stuff. RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff? MONICA: You don't have any stuff. RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you? MONICA: No. RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room. MONICA: Mmmmm. RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp. ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs? PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts. ROSS: Please tell me you're joking. PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't. ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because-- PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope. ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears? JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook. CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal. PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute. JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school. CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles? JOEY: That's what it says. CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that? PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive. CHANDLER: Whoa! JOEY: What? CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool. JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal. CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off? JOEY: Have you been here all night? CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did. JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case. CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction. JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go. CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"? JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody. CHANDLER: How do you know that? How? JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out. CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays? JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place? CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand. JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right? CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man. JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably. CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it's me. JANICE: Oh, my, god. PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice? CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend? ROSS: You remember Janice, right? CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody. JANICE: Helloo!! CHANDLER: Oh, my, god! JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got. JANICE: Hey, it's everybody. CHANDLER: Janice, you're-- JANICE: Yes, I am. CHANDLER: Is it--? JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now. CHANDLER: Congratulations. JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone? JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun. MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while? RACHEL: What? MONICA: Hide the Lamp. RACHEL: Monica, let it go. MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish? RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps. PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man. ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old. PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities. ROSS: It's the only possibility, Phoebe. PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this? ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility. PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved. ROSS: What? PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry? RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat. MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke. RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken? MONICA: Phoebe, tell her! PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you. RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. RACHEL: Ok, you win. MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone. CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake. PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that? CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout! MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone. CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there. RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with. MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy. RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them. MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different. CHANDLER: In a bad way? MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone. RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone. PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone! MONICA: You made it! PHOEBE: You're there! RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment! CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that. RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break? MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment. RACHEL: Thank you. MONICA: That's fine. CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing. JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you? CHANDLER: I'll take that. JOEY: You want his yearbook? CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it. MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell. RACHEL: It's really not that big! CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh? JOEY: Oh, yeah. ROSS: You comin'? CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down. ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"? CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!) END 204 The One With Phoebe's Husband [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is on the phone.] RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. [hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a pot and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It's open you guys. [a stranger enters with flowers] STRANGER: Hi. RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you? STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here? RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her. STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. [leaves flowers on bar] RACHEL: What? [in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away] STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you do that? OPENING TITLES [Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The whole gang is there.] JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you be married? PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's just from Canada and he just needed a green card. MONICA: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything. PHOEBE: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve. MONICA: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking? ROSS: You see, and you thought she'd be judgemental. PHOEBE: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend. MONICA: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger. ALL: Huuh. MONICA: Well, didn't you? PHOEBE: I might have. MONICA: I can't believe you didn't tell me. PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything. MONICA: What have I not told you? PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace. RACHEL: What! MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? [turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish] You are dead meat. CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a big secret. MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple. PHOEBE: You have a third nipple? CHANDLER: You bitch. ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out. CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless. RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples? JOEY: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin. ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was? JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again. ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin. CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie. ALL: Huuh. CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me. ROSS: You were in a porno? JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it. MONICA: That is wild. ROSS: [to Chandler] So what's it shaped like? PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it? JOEY: What happens if you flick it? [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch.] ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special? CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia. JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you. CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per chance, in the tri-state area? ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know? RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special. MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it. RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it. [Phoebe enters all dressed up] ALL: Woah. JOEY: Foxy lady. JULIE: Where you goin'? PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades. JOEY: The Ice Capades? CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny. MONICA: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again. PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband. ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here? CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . . [Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.] ROSS: OK sweetie, I'll see you later. JULIE: See you later Rach. RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves] [Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.] RACHEL: Hey. ROSS: Hey. [Ross kicks her again] RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out. ROSS: Hey? RACHEL: What? ROSS: Can I ask you somethin'? RACHEL: Sure. ROSS: Naa. RACHEL: What? C'mon, talk to me. ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex? RACHEL: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex? ROSS: Technically, huh, no. RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school? ROSS: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . . RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the details. ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird. RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think? ROSS: What? RACHEL: I think it's sexy. ROSS: Sexy? RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want to have sex. ROSS: No kidding? RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do? ROSS: What? RACHEL: I'd wait. ROSS: You'd wait? RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . . then I'd wait some more. ROSS: Really? RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working. ROSS: Women really want this? RACHEL: More than jewelry. [Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with herself] [Scene: Madison Square Garden. Duncan's dressing room.] PHOEBE: Hi. DUNCAN: Phoebe! PHOEBE: Ta-da. DUNCAN: Hey. PHOEBE: Hi. DUNCAN: Ahh, look at you, you look great. PHOEBE: Do I? Thank you, so do you. DUNCAN: Thanks. PHOEBE: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is Nice. DUNCAN: You always said I'd make it. PHOEBE: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooo. DUNCAN: I missed you. [they hug] I'm gonna get changed. PHOEBE: OK. DUNCAN: Um, now. Phoebs. PHOEBE: Oh, right, OK. Ole. DUNCAN: What? PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves] Ole, ha ha ha. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table.] ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for a second, thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her] [Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't notice.] CHANDLER: Uh, Julie. JULIE: Yeah? CHANDLER: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright. ROSS: Hi everyone. ALL: Hi. ROSS: [pulls Rachel aside] I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before. RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing? ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey. RACHEL: What did, what did he say? ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so. . . [Scene: Ross's apartment. After dinner. Chandler enters.] CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket? Why it's Joey's porno movie. ROSS: Pop it in. JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. [Chandler puts the tape in] RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just what I need to see. ROSS: What's wrong with people having sex? RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica help me out here. MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey. [video starts with the cheesy porn disco music] JULIE: So is there like a story or do they just stard doing it right. . . oh, never mind. CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen. MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job. ROSS: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job. JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper tray. CHANDLER: Nice work my friend. JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . . [Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters.] PHOEBE: So um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday. DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce. PHOEBE: Ohh. . .K. How come? DUNCAN: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again. PHOEBE: What? DUNCAN: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight. PHOEBE: Huuh. DUNCAN: Yeah, I know, I. PHOEBE: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties. DUNCAN: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore. PHOEBE: So how long have you known? DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just tryin' to fit in. PHOEBE: And um, and there's actually a, a woman? DUNCAN: Her name's Debra. PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with? DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college. PHOEBE: Sure. DUNCAN: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way. PHOEBE: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.' DUNCAN: I'm, I'm still me. PHOEBE: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago? [Scene: Ross's apartment. Everyone is sitting around. Monica enters from bathroom.] MONICA: You know, it still smells like monkey in there. JULIE: That saves us a conversation. CHANDLER: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm officially wiped. JOEY: Me too, we should get goin'. RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean, c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore. MONICA: Rachel, that's all we do. RACHEL: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie? JULIE: What about Julie? RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything. JULIE: Well, that could take a while. RACHEL: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie? CHANDLER: I got the time to get to know Julie. JOEY: I got time. MONICA: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? [Rachel gives her a look from hell] That's fine. RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like? JULIE: Well, in a nutshell. . . RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh. [Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers.] PHOEBE: So, um, have you told your parents? DUNCAN: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so. . . PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would have been the one who. . . no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either answer would make me feel better. DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hug and kiss] PHOEBE: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Julie is telling her live story.] JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb. RAHCEL: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb? JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad. RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad? CHANDLER: I'm goin' home. RACHEL: What? [Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit] JOEY: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh? ROSS: Goodnight. RACHEL: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on. . . ROSS: Oh, no no, I am. RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous? ROSS: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before. RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna pounce? ROSS: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens. RAHCEL: OK, gook luck. ROSS: Wha, uhh, what? RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from. ROSS: OK, now I'm nervous. RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off. ROSS: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know. RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry. ROSS: What, it's not your fault. RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that. ROSS: Really? RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen. ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh. RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening. ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. [goes back in apartment] RACHEL: Ohh, God. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench.] ROSS: Good morning. OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last night. ROSS: Twice.