Avoiding Infidelity: 8 Tips to Keep Partners Faithful
By Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D.
The news media thrive on streaming information - and gossip - about the exploits
of high visibility couples. The general public has been well informed about the
infidelity of John Edwards, the visits to call girls by Eliot Spitzer, the on-going
splits of Hollywood couples. Polls report that approximately one-third of
marriages have experienced an affair by one of the partners. How then do the
other two-thirds resist the temptation to stray? As Paul Newman, married over 50
years to Joanne Woodward before he died, explained it, "I have steak at
home, why go out for hamburger?"
Recent research has identified some functions of the brain that make it
easier to remain monogamous, particularly for women. When placed in
a situation where an outside flirtation is possible, a subconscious alarm
is set off and women react by not paying attention to the appealing
threat. Instead, they express more commitment to their relationship.
Men's brains do not automatically protect their relationships in the
same way but can be trained to do so by visualizing and planning how
to avoid the enticement. Additional studies have shown that when
strong love is at the forefront, it is harder for the brain to pay attention
to, perceive and recall the appeal of an attractive outsider.
So, with physiology and love on your side, here are 8 tips to make it
easier for you and your spouse to stay faithful.
1. Invest in your partnership. Make time for your relationship
just as you would for any valuable asset. The efforts that you put
into growing and developing it will be returned in multiples. Use
each other for support as you are going through the myriad
challenges of life.
2. Keep up the romance. Remind each other why you fell in love.
Set aside time to be together and focus on each other. Be free
with your affection and warmth. Tap into your sensuality and find
new ways of exploring and expressing your sexual relationship
together.
3. Enjoy each other. Be playful and have fun together. Laugh and
bring humor into your daily life. Plan some adventures - discover
new activities you both like to do. All of these bring more
pleasure into your relationship and encourage real intimacy
between you.
4. Give compliments freely. Sometimes it seems easier to
criticize and complain than to praise and acknowledge positive
behavior. Adjust your antennae to be more attentive to the
actions you want to reinforce. When you are thinking something
nice, say it out loud to your partner.
5. Keep your communication open and honest. Talk out
misunderstandings before they become full-fledged arguments.
Use the same conversational etiquette with your spouse that you
would with anyone else you care about and respect. Practice
active listening skills and sending I-messages.
6. Use cooperation and compromise. Be flexible in resolving
your conflicts. Remind yourself to look at the issue from your
partner's perspective as well as from your own. Ask yourself if it
is more important to be right and win the argument than to
protect your relationship.
7. Deal with anger. Once you have expressed negative feelings,
find a way to let go of the hostility. Resist holding on to
resentment and avoid the emotional baggage of planning
retribution. Learn to forgive your partner and to apologize for
your own mistakes.
8. Build basic trust and loyalty. If you are devoted to one
another and to your marriage, your behavior will reflect this deep
commitment. Knowing that you are dedicated to the needs of
each other gives you both the confidence to pursue your own
goals out in the world.
When you take the responsibility to incorporate these 8 techniques into
your relationship, you increase the odds of being there for one another
through the years. And it's nice to know that your brain function is hard
wired to support you in these efforts to stay close to home.
© 2008, Her Mentor Center
Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. & Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are co-founders of
http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, a website for midlife women and
http://www.NourishingRelationships.Blogspot.com, a Blog for the Sandwich
Generation. They are authors of a forthcoming book about Baby Boomer's family
relationships and publish a free newsletter, Stepping Stones, through their
website.