waystohaveabetterconversation

10waystohaveabetterconversationAllright,Iwanttoseeashowofhands:howmanyofyouhaveunfriendedsomeoneonFacebookbecausetheysaidsomethingoffensiveaboutpoliticsorreligion,childcare,food?Andhowmanyofyouknowatleastonepersonthatyouavoidbecauseyoujustdon'twanttotalktothem?Youknow,itusedtobethatinordertohaveapoliteconversation,wejusthadtofollowtheadviceofHenryHigginsin"MyFairLady":Sticktotheweatherandyourhealth.Butthesedays,withclimatechangeandanti-vaxxing,thosesubjects--arenotsafeeither.Sothisworldthatwelivein,thisworldinwhicheveryconversationhasthepotentialtodevolveintoanargument,whereourpoliticianscan'tspeaktooneanotherandwhereeventhemosttrivialofissueshavesomeonefightingbothpassionatelyforitandagainstit,it'snotnormal.PewResearchdidastudyof10,000Americanadults,andtheyfoundthatatthismoment,wearemorepolarized,wearemoredivided,thanweeverhavebeeninhistory.We'relesslikelytopromise,whichmeanswe'renotlisteningtoeachother.Andwemakedecisionsaboutwheretolive,whotomarryandevenwhoourfriendsaregoingtobe,basedonwhatwealreadybelieve.Again,thatmeanswe'renotlisteningtoeachother.Aconversationrequiresabalancebetweentalkingandlistening,andsomewherealongtheway,welostthatbalance.Now,partofthatisduetotechnology.Thesmartphonesthatyoualleitherhaveinyourhandsorcloseenoughthatyoucouldgrabthemreallyquickly.AccordingtoPewResearch,aboutathirdofAmericanteenagerssendmorethanahundredtextsaday.Andmanyofthem,almostmostofthem,aremorelikelytotexttheirfriendsthantheyaretotalktothemfacetoface.There'sthisgreatpieceinTheAtlantic.ItwaswrittenbyahighschoolteachernamedPaulBarnwell.Andhegavehiskidsamunicationproject.Hewantedtoteachthemhowtospeakonaspecificsubjectwithoutusingnotes.Andhesaidthis:"Icametorealize...""Icametorealizethatconversationalpetencemightbethesinglemostoverlookedskillwefailtoteach.Kidsspendhourseachdayengagingwithideasandeachotherthroughscreens,butrarelydotheyhaveanopportunitytohonetheirinterpersonalmunicationsskills.Itmightsoundlikeafunnyquestion,butwehavetoaskourselves:Isthereany21st-centuryskillmoreimportantthanbeingabletosustaincoherent,confidentconversation?"Now,Imakemylivingtalkingtopeople:NobelPrizewinners,truckdrivers,billionaires,kindergartenteachers,headsofstate,plumbers.ItalktopeoplethatIlike.ItalktopeoplethatIdon'tlike.ItalktosomepeoplethatIdisagreewithdeeplyonapersonallevel.ButIstillhaveagreatconversationwiththem.SoI'dliketospendthenext10minutesorsoteachingyouhowtotalkandhowtolisten.Manyofyouhavealreadyheardalotofadviceonthis,thingslikelookthepersonintheeye,thinkofinterestingtopicstodiscussinadvance,look,nodandsmiletoshowthatyou'repayingattention,repeatbackwhatyoujustheardorsummarizeit.SoIwantyoutoforgetallofthat.Itiscrap.Thereisnoreasontolearnhowtoshowyou'repayingattentionifyouareinfactpayingattention.Now,IactuallyusetheexactsameskillsasaprofessionalinterviewerthatIdoinregularlife.So,I'mgoingtoteachyouhowtointerviewpeople,andthat'sactuallygoingtohelpyoulearnhowtobebetterconversationalists.Learntohaveaconversationwithoutwastingyourtime,withoutgettingbored,and,pleaseGod,withoutoffendinganybody.We'veallhadreallygreatconversations.We'vehadthembefore.Weknowwhatit'slike.Thekindofconversationwhereyouwalkawayfeelingengagedandinspired,orwhereyoufeellikeyou'vemadearealconnectionoryou'vebeenperfectlyunderstood.Thereisnoreasonwhymostofyourinteractionscan'tbelikethat.SoIhave10basicrules.I'mgoingtowalkyouthroughallofthem,buthonestly,ifyoujustchooseoneofthemandmasterit,you'llalreadyenjoybetterconversations.Numberone:Don'tmultitask.AndIdon'tmeanjustsetdownyourcellphoneoryourtabletoryourcarkeysorwhateverisinyourhand.Imean,bepresent.Beinthatmoment.Don'tthinkaboutyourargumentyouhadwithyourboss.Don'tthinkaboutwhatyou'regoingtohavefordinner.Ifyouwanttogetoutoftheconversation,getoutoftheconversation,butdon'tbehalfinitandhalfoutofit.Numbertwo:Don'tpontificate.Ifyouwanttostateyouropinionwithoutanyopportunityforresponseorargumentorpushbackorgrowth,writeablog.Now,there'sareallygoodreasonwhyIdon'tallowpunditsonmyshow:Becausethey'rereallyboring.Ifthey'reconservative,they'regoingtohateObamaandfoodstampsandabortion.Ifthey'reliberal,they'regoingtohatebigbanksandoilcorporationsandDickCheney.Totallypredictable.Andyoudon'twanttobelikethat.Youneedtoentereveryconversationassumingthatyouhavesomethingtolearn.ThefamedtherapistM.ScottPecksaidthattruelisteningrequiresasettingasideofoneself.Andsometimesthatmeanssettingasideyourpersonalopinion.Hesaidthatsensingthisacceptance,thespeakerwillbeelessandlessvulnerableandmoreandmorelikelytoopenuptheinnerrecessesofhisorhermindtothelistener.Again,assumethatyouhavesomethingtolearn.BillNye:"Everyoneyouwillevermeetknowssomethingthatyoudon't."Iputitthisway:Everybodyisanexpertinsomething.Numberthree:Useopen-endedquestions.Inthiscase,takeacuefromjournalists.Startyourquestionswithwho,what,when,where,whyorhow.Ifyouputinaplicatedquestion,you'regoingtogetasimpleanswerout.IfIaskyou,"Wereyouterrified?"you'regoingtorespondtothemostpowerfulwordinthatsentence,whichis"terrified,"andtheansweris"Yes,Iwas"or"No,Iwasn't.""Wereyouangry?""Yes,Iwasveryangry."Letthemdescribeit.They'retheonesthatknow.Tryaskingthemthingslike,"Whatwasthatlike?""Howdidthatfeel?"Becausethentheymighthavetostopforamomentandthinkaboutit,andyou'regoingtogetamuchmoreinterestingresponse.Numberfour:Gowiththeflow.Thatmeansthoughtswilleintoyourmindandyouneedtoletthemgooutofyourmind.We'veheardinterviewsofteninwhichaguestistalkingforseveralminutesandthenthehostesbackinandasksaquestionwhichseemslikeitesoutofnowhere,orit'salreadybeenanswered.Thatmeansthehostprobablystoppedlisteningtwominutesagobecausehethoughtofthisreallycleverquestion,andhewasjustboundanddeterminedtosaythat.Andwedotheexactsamething.We'resittingtherehavingaconversationwithsomeone,andthenwerememberthattimethatwemetHughJackmaninacoffeeshop.Andwestoplistening.Storiesandideasaregoingtoetoyou.Youneedtoletthemeandletthemgo.Numberfive:Ifyoudon'tknow,saythatyoudon'tknow.Now,peopleontheradio,especiallyonNPR,aremuchmoreawarethatthey'regoingontherecord,andsothey'remorecarefulaboutwhattheyclaimtobeanexpertinandwhattheyclaimtoknowforsure.Dothat.Erronthesideofcaution.Talkshouldnotbecheap.Numbersix:Don'tequateyourexperiencewiththeirs.Ifthey'retalkingabouthavinglostafamilymember,don'tstarttalkingaboutthetimeyoulostafamilymember.Ifthey'retalkingaboutthetroublethey'rehavingatwork,don'ttellthemabouthowmuchyouhateyourjob.It'snotthesame.Itisneverthesame.Allexperiencesareindividual.And,moreimportantly,itisnotaboutyou.Youdon'tneedtotakethatmomenttoprovehowamazingyouareorhowmuchyou'vesuffered.SomebodyaskedStephenHawkingoncewhathisIQwas,andhesaid,"Ihavenoidea.PeoplewhobragabouttheirIQsarelosers."Conversationsarenotapromotionalopportunity.Numberseven:Trynottorepeatyourself.It'scondescending,andit'sreallyboring,andwetendtodoitalot.Especiallyinworkconversationsorinconversationswithourkids,wehaveapointtomake,sowejustkeeprephrasingitoverandover.Don'tdothat.Numbereight:Stayoutoftheweeds.Frankly,peopledon'tcareabouttheyears,thenames,thedates,allthosedetailsthatyou'restrugglingtoeupwithinyourmind.Theydon'tcare.Whattheycareaboutisyou.Theycareaboutwhatyou'relike,whatyouhaveinmon.Soforgetthedetails.Leavethemout.Numbernine:Thisisnotthelastone,butitisthemostimportantone.Listen.Icannottellyouhowmanyreallyimportantpeoplehavesaidthatlisteningisperhapsthemost,thenumberonemostimportantskillthatyoucoulddevelop.Buddhasaid,andI'mparaphrasing,"Ifyourmouthisopen,you'renotlearning."AndCalvinCoolidgesaid,"Nomaneverlistenedhiswayoutofajob."Whydowenotlistentoeachother?Numberone,we'drathertalk.WhenI'mtalking,I'mincontrol.Idon'thavetohearanythingI'mnotinterestedin.I'mthecenterofattention.Icanbolstermyownidentity.Butthere'sanotherreason:Wegetdistracted.Theaveragepersontalksatabout225wordperminute,butwecanlistenatupto500wordsperminute.Soourmindsarefillinginthoseother275words.Andlook,Iknow,ittakeseffortandenergytoactuallypayattentiontosomeone,butifyoucan'tdothat,you'renotinaconversation.You'rejusttwopeopleshoutingoutbarelyrelatedsentencesinthesameplace.Youhavetolistentooneanother.StephenCoveysaiditverybeautifully.Hesaid,"Mostofusdon'tlistenwiththeintenttounderstand.Welistenwiththeintenttoreply."Onemorerule,number10,andit'sthisone:Bebrief.[Agoodconversationislikeaminiskirt;shortenoughtoretaininterest,butlongenoughtocoverthesubject.--MySister](Applause)Allofthisboilsdowntothesamebasicconcept,anditisthisone:Beinterestedinotherpeople.Youknow,Igrewupwithaveryfamousgrandfather,andtherewaskindofaritualinmyhome.Peoplewouldeovertotalktomygrandparents,andaftertheywouldleave,mymotherwouldeovertous,andshe'dsay,"Doyouknowwhothatwas?Shewastherunner-uptoMissAmerica.HewasthemayorofSacramento.ShewonaPulitzerPrize.He'saRussianballetdancer."AndIkindofgrewupassumingeveryonehassomehidden,amazingthingaboutthem.Andhonestly,Ithinkit'swhatmakesmeabetterhost.IkeepmymouthshutasoftenasIpossiblycan,Ikeepmymindopen,andI'malwayspreparedtobeamazed,andI'mneverdisappointed.Youdothesamething.Goout,talktopeople,listentopeople,and,mostimportantly,bepreparedtobeamazed.