老友记第一季剧本台词

102TheOneWiththeSonogramattheEnd[SceneCentralPerk,everyone'sthere.]Monica:Whatyouguysdon'tunderstandis,forus,kissingisasimportantasanypartofit.Joey:Yeah,right!.......Y'serious?Phoebe:Oh,yeah!Rachel:Everythingyouneedtoknowisinthatfirstkiss.Monica:Absolutely.Chandler:Yeah,Ithinkforus,kissingisprettymuchlikeanopeningact,y'know?Imeanit'slikethestand-upcomedianyouhavetositthroughbeforePinkFloydcomesout.Ross:Yeah,and-andit'snotthatwedon'tlikethecomedian,it'sthat-that...that'snotwhyweboughttheticket.Chandler:Theproblemis,though,aftertheconcert'sover,nomatterhowgreattheshowwas,yougirlsarealwayslookingforthecomedianagain,y'know?Imean,we'reinthecar,we'refightingtraffic...basicallyjusttryingtostayawake.Rachel:Yeah,well,wordofadvice:Bringbackthecomedian.Otherwisenexttimeyou'regonnafindyourselfsittingathome,listeningtothatalbumalone.Joey:(pause)....Arewestilltalkingaboutsex?OpeningCredits[Scene:MuseumofPrehistoricHistory,Rossandaco-worker(Marsha)aresettingupanexhibitwhichincludessomemannequinsofcavepeople.]Ross:No,it'sgood,itisgood,it'sjustthat-mm-doesn'tsheseemalittleangry?Marsha:Well,shehasissues.Ross:Doesshe.Marsha:He'soutbangingotherwomenovertheheadwithaclub,whileshesitsathometryingtogetthemastodonsmelloutofthecarpet!Ross:Marsha,thesearecavepeople.Okay?Theyhaveissueslike'Gee,thatglacier'sgettingkindaclose.'See?Marsha:Speakingofissues,isn'tthatyourex-wife?(Carol,Ross'sex-wife,hasenteredbehindthemandisstandingoutstidetheexhibit.)Ross:(tryingtoignoreher)No.No.Marsha:Yes,itis.Carol!Hi!Ross:Okay,okay,yes,itis.(waves)HowaboutI'll,uh,catchupwithyouintheIceAge.(MarshaextisandRosswavesCarolintotheexhibit.)Ross:Hi.Carol:So.Ross:Youlookgreat.I,uh...Ihatethat.Carol:Sorry.Youlookgoodtoo.Ross:Ah,well,inhere,anyonewho...standserect...Sowhat'snew?Still,uh...Carol:Alesbian?Ross:Well...youneverknow.How's,um..how'sthefamily?Carol:Marty'sstilltotallyparanoid.Oh,and,uh-Ross:Why-whyareyouhere,Carol?Carol:I'mpregnant.Ross:Pregnant?![Scene:MonicaandRachel's,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarewatchingThree'sCompany.]Chandler:Oh,IthinkthisistheepisodeofThree'sCompanywherethere'ssomekindofmisunderstanding.Phoebe:...ThenI'vealreadyseenthisone!(TurnsofftheTV.)Monica:(takingadrinkfromJoey)Areyouthroughwiththat?Joey:Yeah,sorry,theswallowingslowedmedown.Monica:Whoselittleballofpaperisthis?!Chandler:Oh,uh,thatwouldbemine.See,Iwroteanotetomyself,andthenIrealisedIdidn'tneedit,soIballeditupand...(seesthatMonicaisglaringathim)...nowIwishIwasdead.(Monicastartstofluffapillow.)Phoebe:She'salreadyfluffedthatpillow...Monica,youknow,you'vealreadyfluffedthat-(Monicaglaresather.)-but,it'sfine!Monica:Look,I'msorry,guys,Ijustdon'twannagivethemanymoreammunitionthantheyalreadyhave.Chandler:Yes,andweallknowhowcruelaparentcanbeabouttheflatnessofachild'spillow.Phoebe:Monica-Hi!Um,Monica,you'rescaringme.Imean,you'relike,you'relikeallchaoticandtwirly.Andnot-notinagoodway.Joey:Yeah,calmdown.Youdon'tseeRossgettingallchaoticandtwirlyeverytimetheycome.Monica:That'sbecauseasfarasmyparentsareconcerned,Rosscandonowrong.Y'see,he'sthePrince.ApparentlytheyhadsomebigceremonybeforeIwasborn.Chandler:(lookingoutthewindow)Ew,ew,ew,ewewewewew!Monica:What?Chandler:UglyNakedGuygotaThighmaster!All:Eeaagh!(Rachelentersfromherroom.)Rachel:Hasanybodyseenmyengagementring?Phoebe:Yeah,it'sbeautiful.Rachel:OhGod,ohGod,ohGodohGodohGodohGod....(Startstolookunderthecouchcushions.)Phoebe:No,look,don'ttouchthat!Rachel:Oh,likeIwasn'tdreadingtomorrowenough,havingtogiveitbacktohim...'HiBarry!Rememberme?I'mthegirlintheveilwhostompedonyourheartinfrontofyourentirefamily!'OhGodandnowI'mgonnahavetoreturnthering,withoutthering,whichmakesitsomuchharder...Monica:EasyRach,we'llfindit.(Toall)Won'twe!ChandlerandJoey:Oh!Yeah!Joey:Alright,when'd'yahaveitonlast?Phoebe:Doy!Probablyrightbeforeshelostit!Chandler:Youdon'tgetalotof'doy'thesedays...Rachel:IknowIhaditthismorning,andIknowIhaditwhenIwasinthekitchenwith...Chandler:...Dinah?Rachel:(looksatthelasagneandrealizessomething)Ohhhhh,don'tbemad...Monica:Youdidn't.Rachel:Oh,Iamsorry...Monica:Igaveyouonejob!(Startstoexaminthelasagnethroughthebottomoftheglasspan.)Rachel:Oh,butlookhowstraightthosenoodlesare!Chandler:Now,Monica,youknowthat'snothowyoulookforanengagementringinalasagne...Monica:(putsdownthelasagne)Ijust...can'tdoit.Chandler:Boys?We'regoingin.(Chandler,Joey,andPhoebestarttopickthroughthelasagneasthere'saknockonthedoorwhichMonicaanswers.)Ross:(standingoutsidethedoor).....Hi.Monica:Wow.Thatisnotahappyhi.Ross:Carol'spregnant.Phoebe:(whileeveryoneelseisstunned)Ooh!Ifoundit!Monica:W-w-wh-...wha-...w-w-w-...Ross:Yeah.Dothatforanothertwohours,youmightbewhereIamrightaboutnow.(Heenters.)Chandler:Kindaputsthatwholepillowthinginperspective,huh,Mon?Rachel:Wellnow,how-howdoyoufitintothiswholething?Ross:Well,CarolsayssheandSusanwantmetobeinvolved,butifI'mnotcomfortablewithit,Idon'thavetobeinvolved..basicallyit'sentirelyuptome.Phoebe:Sheissogreat!Imissher.Monica:Whatdoesshemeanby'involved'?Chandler:Imeanpresumably,thebiggestpartofyourjobisdone.Ross:Anyway,theywantmetogodowntothis-sonogramthingwiththemtomorrow.Rachel:Sowhatareyougonnado?Ross:Ihavenoidea.NomatterwhatIdo,though,I'mstillgonnabeafather.(Joeystartstoeattherestofthelasagneandeveryoneturnsandstaresathim.)Joey:.....Well,thisisstillruined,right?[Scene,MonicaandRachel's,MonicaandRossarepouringwinefortheirparents.]Mrs.Geller:Oh,MarthaLudwin'sdaughterisgonnacallyou.(Tastesasnack)Mmm!What'sthatcurrytaste?Monica:Curry.Mrs.Geller:Mmmm!Ross:I-Ithinkthey'regreat!I,Ireallydo.Mr.Geller:(ToRoss)DoyouremembertheLudwins?Thebigonehadathingforyou,didn'tshe?Mrs.Geller:Theyallhadathingforhim.Ross:Aw,Mom...Monica:I'msorry,whyisthisgirlgoingtocallme?Mrs.Geller:Oh,shejustgraduated,andshewantstobesomethingincooking,orfood,or....Idon'tknow.Anyway,Itoldheryouhadarestaurant-Monica:NoMom,Idon'thavearestaurant,Iworkinarestaurant.Mrs.Geller:Well,theydon'thavetoknowthat...(ShestartstofluffthesamepillowMonicafluffedmultipletimesearlier.)Monica:Ross,couldyoucomeandhelpmewiththespaghetti,please?Ross:Yeah.(Theygotothekitchen.)Mrs.Geller:Oh,we'rehavingspaghetti!That's....easy.Monica:Iknowthisisgoingtosoundunbelievablyselfish,but,wereyouplanningonbringingupthewholebaby/lesbianthing?BecauseIthinkitmighttakesomeoftheheatoffme.[TimeLapse,everyoneisnoweating.]Mrs.Geller:WhatthatRacheldidtoherlife....Weranintoherparentsattheclub,theywerenotplayingverywell.Mr.Geller:I'mnotgonnatellyouwhattheyspentonthatwedding...butfortythousanddollarsisalotofmoney!Mrs.Geller:Well,atleastshehadthechancetoleaveamanatthealtar...Monica:What'sthatsupposedtomean?Mrs.Geller:Nothing!It'sanexpression.Monica:Noit'snot.Mr.Geller:Don'tlistentoyourmother.You'reindependent,andyoualwayshavebeen!Evenwhenyouwereakid...andyouwerechubby,andyouhadnofriends,youwerejustfine!Andyouwouldreadaloneinyourroom,andyourpuzzles...[TimeLapse.]Mr.Geller:Look,therearepeoplelikeRosswhoneedtoshootforthestars,withhismuseum,andhispapersgettingpublished.Otherpeoplearesatisfiedwithstayingwheretheyare-I'mtellingyou,thesearethepeoplewhonevergetcancer.[TimeLapse.]Mr.Geller:...AndIreadaboutthesewomentryingtohaveitall,andIthankGod'OurLittleHarmonica'doesn'tseemtohavethatproblem.Monica:(tryingdesperatelytochangethesubject)So,Ross,what'sgoingonwithyou?Anystories?(Digsherelbowintohishand.)Nonews,nolittleanecdotestosharewiththefolks?Ross:(pullshishandaway)Okay!Okay.(Tohisparents)Look,I,uh-IrealiseyouguyshavebeenwonderingwhatexactlyhappenedbetweenCarolandme,and,so,well,here'sthedeal.Carol'salesbian.She'slivingwithawomannamedSusan.She'spregnantwithmychild,andsheandSusanaregoingtoraisethebaby.(Stunnedsilenceensues.)Mrs.Geller:(ToMonica)Andyouknewaboutthis?!CommercialBreak[Scene:CentralPark,everyone'sthere.]Joey:Yourfolksarereallythatbad,huh?Ross:Well,y'know,thesepeoplearepros.Theyknowwhatthey'redoing,theytaketheirtime,theygetthejobdone.Monica:Boy,Iknowtheysayyoucan'tchangeyourparents,...boy,ifyoucould-(ToRoss)-I'dwantyours.Ross:Mustpee.(Goestopee.)Phoebe:Y'know,it'sevenworsewhenyou'retwins.Rachel:You'retwins?Phoebe:Yeah.Wedon'tspeak.She'slikethishigh-powered,drivencareertype.Chandler:Whatdoesshedo?Phoebe:She'sawaitress.Rachel:Allright,youguys,Ikindagottacleanupnow.(Theyallstarttoleave.)Monica:Chandler,you'reanonlychild,right?Youdon'thaveanyofthis.Chandler:Well,no,althoughIdidhaveanimaginaryfriend,who...myparentsactuallypreferred.Rachel:Thelights,please..(Joeyturnsoffthelights,andtheyallleaveasRachelstartstocleanup.?Rossentersfromthebathroom.)Ross:...HowlongwasIinthere?Rachel:I'mjustcleaningup.Ross:D'ya..uh..d'yaneedanyhelp?Rachel:Uh..okay,sure!Thanks!(Shehandshimthebroomandsitsdown.)Ross:Anyway..um..(Startstosweep.)So,you-uh-younervousaboutBarrytomorrow?Rachel:Oh..alittle..Ross:Mm-hmm..Rachel:Alot.Ross:Mm.Rachel:So,gotanyadvice?Y'know,assomeonewho'srecentlybeen-dumped?Ross:Well,youmaywannasteerclearoftheword'dumped'.Chancesarehe'sgonnabethis,thisbrokenshellofaman,y'know,soyoushouldtrynottolooktooterrific,Iknowit'llbehard.Or,y'know,uh,hey!,I'llgodownthere,andI'llgiveBarrybackhisring,andyoucangowithCarolandSusantotheOB/GYN...Rachel:Oh,you'vegotCaroltomorrow..Whendiditgetsocomplicated?Ross:Gotme.Rachel:Rememberwhenwewereinhighschooltogether?Ross:Yeah.Rachel:Imean,didn'tyouthinkyouwerejustgonnameetsomone,fallinlove-andthat'dbeit?(Rossgazesather.)..Ross?Ross:Yes,yes!Rachel:Oh!Man,IneverthoughtI'dbehere..(Sheleansbackontohishand.)Ross:Meeither...(Hepullsupastoolsothathedoesn'thavetomovehishand.)[Scene:Carol'sOB/GYN,Caroliswaiting.]Ross:(entering)SorryI'mlate,Iwasstuckatwork.Therewasthisbigdinosaur..thing..anyway.(Susanentersholdingadrink.)Susan:Hi.Carol:Ross,yourememberSusan.Ross:HowcouldIforget?Susan:Ross.Ross:(theyshakehands)Hello,Susan.(ToCarol)Goodshake.Goodshake.So,uh,we'rejustwaitingfor...?Carol:Dr.Oberman.Ross:..Dr.Oberman.Okay.Andishe-Susan:She.Ross:-she,ofcourse,she-uh-familiarwithour..specialsituation?Carol:Yes,andshe'sverysupportive.Ross:Okay,that'sgreat.(SusangivesherdrinktoCarol.)No,I'm-Oh.?Carol:Thanks.Ross:(picksupasurgicalinstramentandmimesaduckwithit)Quack,quack..Carol:Ross?Thatopensmycervix.(Hedropsitinhorror.)[SceneBarry'soffice,Barryisworkingonpatient,Robbie,asRachelenters.]Rachel:Barry?Barry:C'monin.Rachel:(hesitates)Areyousure?Barry:Yeah!It'sfine,it'sfine.Robbie'sgonnabehereforhours.Robbie:Huh?!Barry:So,howyadoin?Rachel:I'm-uh-I'mokay...Youlookgreat!Barry:Yeah,well..Bernice:(overintercom)Dr.Farber,JasonGreenstein'sgagging.Barry:(answeringtheintercom)Berightthere.(ToRobbieandRachel)Bebackinasec.(AsBarryexitsRobbiestaresatRachel.)Rachel:Idumpedhim.Robbie:Okay.[Scene:Carol'sOB/GYN,they'retalkingabouthowthisisgoingtowork.]Ross:So,um-sohow'sthis,uh,how'sthisgonnawork?Y'know,withus?Y'know,when,like,importantdecisionshavetobemade?Carol:Givemea'forinstance'.Ross:Well,uh,uh,Idon'tknow,okay,okay,howaboutwiththe,uh,withthebaby'sname?Carol:Marlon-Ross:Marlon?!Carol:-ifit'saboy,Minnieifit'sagirl.Ross:...AsinMouse?Carol:Asinmygrandmother.Ross:Still,you-yousayMinnie,youhearMouse.Um,howabout,um..howaboutJulia?Carol:Julia..Susan:WeagreedonMinnie.Ross:'S'funny,um,uh,weagreedwe'dspendtherestofourlivestogether.Thingschange,rollwiththepunches.IbelieveJulia'sonthetable..?[Scene:Barry'soffice,RachelisdoinghermakeupinthemirroronBarry'slampasBarryenters.]Barry:Sorryaboutthat.So.Whathaveyoubeenupto?Rachel:Oh,notmuch.I-Igotajob.Barry:Oh,that'sgreat.Rachel:Whyare-whyareyousotanned?Barry:Oh,I,uh-IwenttoAruba.Rachel:Ohno.Youwentonourhoneymoonalone?Barry:No.Iwentwith,uh..Now,thismayhurt.Robbie:Me?!Barry:No!(ToRachel)IwentwithMindy.Rachel:Mindy?!Mymaidofhonour,Mindy?!Barry:Yeah,well,uh,we'rekindofathingnow.Rachel:Oh!Well,um..(Grabshisforehand)You'vegotplugs!Barry:Careful!Theyhaven'tquitetakenyet.Rachel:Andyou'vegotlenses!Butyouhatestickingyourfingerinyoureye!Barry:Notforher.Listen,Ireallywantedtothankyou.Rachel:Okay..Barry:See,aboutamonthago,Iwantedtohurtyou.MorethanI'veeverwantedtohurtanyoneinmylife.AndI'manorthodontist.Rachel:Wow.Barry:Youknow,youwereright?Imean,Ithoughtwewerehappy.Weweren'thappy.ButwithMindy,nowI'mhappy.Spit.Rachel:What?Robbie:Me.(Spits.)Rachel:Anyway,um,(Getstheringoutofherpurse.)Iguessthisbelongstoyou.Andthankyouforgivingittome.Barry:Well,thankyouforgivingitback.(BarryandRachellookateachother.)Robbie:Hello?![Scene:Carol'sOB/GYN,they'restillarguingaboutwhattonamethebaby.]Susan:Oh,please!What'swrongwithHelen?Ross:HelenGeller?Idon'tthinkso.Carol:Hello?It'snotgonnabeHelenGeller.Ross:Thankyou!Carol:No,Imeanit'snotGeller.Ross:What,it'sgonnabeHelenWillick?Carol:No,actually,um,wetalkedaboutHelenWillick-Bunch.Ross:Well,waitaminute,wha-whyissheinthetitle?Susan:It'smybabytoo.Ross:Oh,'s'funny,really?Um,Idon'trememberyoumakinganysperm.Susan:Yeah,andweallknowwhatachallengethatis!Carol:Allright,youtwo,stopit!Ross:Nonono,shegetsacredit,hey,I'mintheretoo.Carol:Ross.You'renotactuallysuggestingHelenWillick-Bunch-Geller?'CauseIthinkthatbordersonchildabuse.Ross:Ofcoursenot,I'm...suggestingGeller-Willick-Bunch.Susan:Oh,no,nonononono,youseewhathe'sdoing?Heknowsno-one'sgonnasayallthosenames,sothey'llwindupcallingherGeller,thenhegetshisway!Ross:Myway?!You-youthinkthisismyway?Believeme,ofallthewaysIeverimaginedthismomentinmylifebeing,thisisnotmyway-y'knowwhat?Uh,um,thisistoohard.I'mnot,Ican'tdo-Dr.Oberman:(entering)Knockknock!Howarewetoday?Anynausea?All:Yeah.Yeah.Alittle.Dr.Oberman:Well,Iwasjustwonderingaboutthemother-to-be,but..thanksforsharing.(ToCarol)Uh,lieback..Ross:You-uh-y'knowwhat,I'mgonnago.Idon't-Idon'tthinkIcanbeinvolvedinthisparticularthingrightnow.(Heturnstogo,butthesoundofthesonogramcatcheshesear.?Hereturnsandstaresatit.)Ross:OhmyGod.Susan:Lookatthat.Carol:Iknow.ClosingCredits[Scene:MonicaandRachel'sapartment,everyoneiswatchingthetapeofthesonogram.?Rachelisonthephone.]Ross:Well?Isn'tthatamazing?Joey:Whatarewesupposedtobeseeinghere?Chandler:Idunno,but..Ithinkit'sabouttoattacktheEnterprise.Phoebe:Youknow,ifyoutiltyourheadtotheleft,andrelaxyoureyes,itkindalookslikeanoldpotato.Ross:Thendon'tdothat,alright?Phoebe:Okay!Ross:(walksovertowhereMonicaisstanding)Monica.Whaddyathink?Monica:(wellingup)Mm-hmm.Ross:Wh-areyouwellingup?Monica:No.Ross:Youare,you'rewellingup.Monica:Amnot!Ross:You'regonnabeanaunt.Monica:(pusheshimandstartstocry)Ohshutup!Rachel:(onphone)Hi,Mindy.Hi,it-it'sRachel.Yeah,I'mfine.I-IsawBarrytoday.Oh,yeah,yeahhe-hetoldme.No,no,it'sokay.Ihopeyoutwoareveryhappy,Ireallydo.Oh,oh,andMind,y'know,if-ifeverythingworksout,andyouguysendupgettingmarriedandhavingkids-andeverything-Ijusthopetheyhavehisoldhairlineandyouroldnose.(Slamsthephonedown.)(Toeveryone)Okay,Iknowitwasacheapshot,butIfeelsomuchbetternow.End