06. Gone with the wind chapter six

She closed the door except for a crack and tried to make her heart beat more slowly. 她把门掩上，只留下一道缝，然后极力镇定自己，让心跳渐渐缓和。 She tried to remember just exactly what she had planned last night to say to Ashley, but she couldn't recall anything. 她要把头天晚上计划好准备对艾希礼说的那些话从头温习一遍，可是一点也想不起来了。 Had she thought up something and forgotten it--or had she only planned that Ashley should say something to her? 究竟是她设想过一些什么，可现在忘记了，还是她本来就只准备听艾希礼说话呢？ She couldn't remember, and a sudden cold fright fell upon her. 她记不清楚，于是突然一个寒噤，浑身恐惧不安。 If her heart would only stop pounding in her ears, perhaps she could think of what to say. 只要她的心跳暂时停止，不再轰击她的耳朵，她也许还能想出要说的话来。 But the quick thudding only increased as she heard him call a final farewell and walk into the front hall. 可是她急促的心跳加快了，因为她已经听见他说完最后一声再见，走进前厅来了。 All she could think of was that she loved him--everything about him, from the proud lift of his gold head to his slender dark boots, loved his laughter even when it mystified her, loved his bewildering silences. 她惟一能想起来的是她爱他----爱他所有的一切，从高昂的金色头颅到那双细长的黑马靴；爱他的笑声，即使那笑声令人迷惑不解；爱他的沉思，尽管它难以捉摸。 Oh, if only he would walk in on her now and take her in his arms, so she would be spared the need of saying anything. 啊，只要他这时走进来把她一把抱在怀里，她就什么也不用说了。 He must love her--" 他一定是爱她的---- Perhaps if I prayed--" She squeezed her eyes tightly and began gabbling to herself "Hail Mary, full of grace--" "或许，我还是祷告----"她紧紧闭上眼睛，喃喃地念起"仁慈的圣母玛利亚----"来。 "Why, Scarlett!" said Ashley's voice, breaking in through the roaring in her ears and throwing her into utter confusion. “思嘉！怎么，"艾希礼的声音突然冲破她耳朵的轰鸣，使她陷于狼狈不堪的地境地。 He stood in the hall peering at her through the partly opened door, a quizzical smile on his face. 他站在大厅里，从虚掩着的门口注视着她，脸上流露出一丝疑或的微笑。 "Who are you hiding from--Charles or the Tarletons?" “你这是在躲避谁呀----是查尔斯还是塔尔顿兄弟？" She gulped. So he had noticed how the men had swarmed about her! 她哽塞着说不出声来。看来他已经注意到有那么多男人聚在她的周围了！ How unutterably dear he was standing there with his eyes twinkling, all unaware of her excitement. 他站在那儿，眼睛熠熠闪光，仿佛没有意识到她很激动，那神态是多么难以言喻地可爱呀！ She could not speak, but she put out a hand and drew him into the room. 她不说话，只伸出一只手来拉他进屋去。 He entered, puzzled but interested. 他进去了，觉得又奇怪又有趣。 There was a tenseness about her, a glow in her eyes that he had never seen before, and even in the dim light he could see the rosy flush on her cheeks. 她浑身紧张，眼睛里闪烁着他从未见过的光辉，即使在阴暗中他也能看见她脸上泛着玫瑰似的红晕。 Automatically he closed the door behind him and took her hand. 他自动地把背后的门关上，然后把她的手拉过来。 "What is it?" he said, almost in a whisper. “怎么回事呀？"他说，几乎是耳语。 At the touch of his hand, she began to tremble. 一接触到他的手她便开始颤抖。 It was going to happen now, just as she had dreamed it. 事情就要像她所梦想的那样发生了。 A thousand incoherent thoughts shot through her mind, and she could not catch a single one to mold into a word. 她脑海里有许许多多不连贯的思想掠过，可是她连一个也抓不住，所以也编不出一句话来。 She could only shake and look up into his face. Why didn't he speak? 她只能浑身哆嗦，仰视着他的面孔。他怎么不说话呀？ "What is it?" he repeated. "A secret to tell me?" “这是怎么回事？"他重复说，"是要告诉我一个秘密？" Suddenly she found her tongue and just as suddenly all the years of Ellen's teachings fell away, and the forthright Irish blood of Gerald spoke from his daughter's lips. 她突然能开口了，这几年母亲对她的教诲也同样突然地随之消失，而父亲爱尔兰血统的直率则从她嘴里说出来。 "Yes - a secret. I love you." “是的----一个秘密。我爱你。” For an instance there was a silence so acute it seemed that neither of them even breathed. 霎时间，一阵沉重的沉默，仿佛他们谁也不再呼吸了。 Then the trembling fell away from her, as happiness and pride surged through her. 然后，她的颤栗渐渐消失，快乐和骄傲之情从她胸中涌起。 Why hadn't she done this before? 她为什么不早就这样办呢。 How much simpler than all the ladylike maneuverings she had been taught. 这比人们所教育她的全部闺门诀窍要简单多了！ And then her eyes sought his. 于是她的眼光径直向他搜索了。 There was a look of consternation in them, of incredulity and something more--what was it? 他的目光里流露出狼狈的神色，那是怀疑和别的什么----别的什么？ Yes, Gerald had looked that way the day his pet hunter had broken his leg and he had had to shoot him. 对了，杰拉尔德在他那匹珍爱的猎马摔断了腿，也不得不用枪把那骑马杀死的那一天，是有过这种情的。 Why did she have to think of that now? Such a silly thought. 可是，真是傻透了。她为什么现在要去想那件事呀？ And why did Ashley look so oddly and say nothing? 那么，艾希礼又究竟为什么显得这么古怪，一言不发呢？ Then something like a well-trained mask came down over his face and he smiled gallantly. 这时，他脸上仿佛罩上了一个很好的面具，他殷勤地笑了。 "Isn't it enough that you've collected every other man's heart here today?" he said, with the old, teasing, caressing note in his voice. “难道你今天赢得了这里所有别的男人的心，还嫌不够吗？”他用往常那种戏谑而亲切的口气说。 "Do you want to make it unanimous? Well, you've always had my heart, you know. You cut your teeth on it." "你想来个全体一致？那好，你早已赢得了我的好感，这你知道。你从小就那样嘛。" Something was wrong - all wrong! This was not the way she had planned it. 看来有点不对头——完全对不对头了！这不是她所设想的那个局面。 Through the mad tearing of ideas round and round in her brain, one was beginning to take form. 她头脑里各种想法转来转去，疯狂奔突，其中有一个终于开始成形了。 Somehow - for some reason - Ashley was acting as if he thought she was just flirting with him. 不知怎的----出于某种原因----艾希礼看来似乎认为她不过在跟他调情而已。 But he knew differently. She knew he did. 可是他知道并非如此。她想他一定是知道的。 "Ashley--Ashley--tell me--you must--oh, don't tease me now! Have I your heart? Oh, my dear, I lo--" “艾希礼----艾希礼----告诉我----你必须----啊，别开玩笑嘛！我赢得你了的心了吗？啊，亲爱的，我爱----" His hand went across her lips, swiftly. The mask was gone. 他连忙用手掩住她的嘴。假面具消失了。 "You must not say these things, Scarlett! You mustn't. You don't mean them. “你不能这样说，思嘉！你决不能。你不是这个意思。 You'll hate yourself for saying them, and you'll hate me for hearing them!" 你会恨你自己说了这些话的，你也会恨我听了这些话的！" She jerked her head away. A hot swift current was running through her. 她把头扭开。一股滚热的激流流遍她的全身。 "I couldn't ever hate you. I tell you I love you and I know you must care about me because--" “我告诉你我是爱你的，我永远不会恨你。我也知道你一定对我有意，因为----" She stopped. Never before had she seen so much misery in anyone's face. 她停了停。她从来没有见过谁脸上有这么痛苦呢。 "Ashley, you do care—you do, don't you?" "艾希礼，你是不是有意----你有的，难道不是吗？” "Yes," he said dully. "I care." “是的，"他阴郁地说。"我有意。" If he had said he loathed her, she could not have been more frightened. She plucked at his sleeve, speechless. 她吃惊了，即使他说的是讨厌，她也不至于这样吃惊埃她拉住他的衣袖，哑口无言。 "Scarlett," he said, "can't we go away and forget that we have ever said these things?" “思嘉，"最后还是他说，"我们不能彼此走开，从此忘记我们曾说过这些话吗？” "No," she whispered. "I can't. What do you mean? Don't you want to - to marry me?" “不，"她低声说。"我不能。你这是什么意思？难道你不要----不要跟我结婚吗？” He replied, "I'm going to marry Melanie." 他答道，"我快要跟媚兰结婚了。" Somehow she found that she was sitting on the low velvet chair and Ashley, on the hassock at her feet, was holding both her hands in his, in a hard grip. 不知怎的，她发现自己坐在一把天鹅绒矮椅上，而艾希礼坐在她脚边的膝垫上，把她的两只手拿在自己手里紧紧握着。 He was saying things - things that made no sense. 他正在说话——说些毫无意义的话。 Her mind was quite blank, quite empty of all the thoughts that had surged through it only a moment before, and his words made no more impression than rain on glass. 她心里完全是一片空白，刚才还势如潮涌的那些思想此刻已无影无踪了，同时他所说的话也像玻璃上的雨水没有留下什么印象。 They fell on unhearing ears, words that were swift and tender and full of pity, like a father speaking to a hurt child. 那些急切、温柔而饱含怜悯的话，那些像父亲在对一个受伤的孩子说的话，都落在听不见的耳朵上了。 The sound of Melanie's name caught in her consciousness and she looked into his crystal-gray eyes. 只有媚兰这个名字的声音使她恢复了意识，于是她注视着他那双水晶般的灰眼睛。 She saw in them the old remoteness that had always baffled her - and a look of self-hatred. 她从中看到了那种常常使她迷惑不解的显得遥远的感觉----以及几分自恨的神情。 "Father is to announce the engagement tonight. We are to be married soon. “我们很快就要结婚。父亲今晚要宣布我们的婚事。 I should have told you, but I thought you knew. 我本来应当早告诉你，可是我还以为你知道了——几年前就知道了呢。 I thought everyone knew--had known for years. I never dreamed that you - You've so many beaux. I thought Stuart--" 我可从没想到你----因为你的男朋友多着呢。我还以为斯图尔特----" Life and feeling and comprehension were beginning to flow back into her. 生命和感觉以及理解力又开始涌回到她的身上。 "But you just said you cared for me." “可是你刚才还说对我有意呢。” His warm hands hurt hers. 他那温暖的双手把她的手握痛了。 "My dear, must you make me say things that will hurt you?" “亲爱的，难道你一定要我说出那些叫你难过的话来吗？” Her silence pressed him on. 她不作声，这逼得他继续说下去。 "How can I make you see these things, my dear. You who are so young and unthinking that you do not know what marriage means." “亲爱的，我怎么才能让你明白这些事呢？你还这样年轻，又不怎么爱想问题，所以还不懂得结婚是什么意思呢。” "I know I love you." “我知道我爱你。” "Love isn't enough to make a successful marriage when two people are as different as we are. “要结成一对美满夫妻，像我们这样不同的两个人，只有爱情是不够的。 You would want all of a man, Scarlett, his body, his heart, his soul, his thoughts. 你需要的是一个男人的全部，包括他的躯体，他的感情，他的灵魂，他的思想。 And if you did not have them, you would be miserable. 如果你没有得到这些，你是会痛苦的。 And I couldn't give you all of me. 可是我不能把整个的我给你， I couldn't give all of me to anyone. 也不能把整个的我给予任何人。 And I would not want all of your mind and your soul. 我也不会要你的整个思想和灵魂。 And you would be hurt, and then you would come to hate me - how bitterly! 因此你就会难过。然后就会恨我——会恨透了的！ You would hate the books I read and the music I loved, because they took me away from you even for a moment. 你会恨我所读的书和所喜爱的音乐，因为它们把我从你那儿抢走了，即使只抢走那么一会也罢。 And I - perhaps I-" 所以我——也许我——” "Do you love her?" “你爱她吗？” "She is like me, part of my blood, and we understand each other. “她是像我的，是我的血脉的一个部分，而且我们互相了解， Scarlett! Scarlett! Can't I make you see that a marriage can't go on in any sort of peace unless the two people are alike?" 思嘉！思嘉！难道我就不能使你明白，除非两个人彼此相爱，否则结了婚也无法稳稳过下去的。" Some one else had said that: "Like must marry like or there'll be no happiness." 别的什么人也说过：“结婚只能是同类配同类，不然就不会有幸福。" Who was it? 这话是谁说的呢？ It seemed a million years since she had heard that, but it still did not make sense. 仿佛她听过已经上百万年了，可是它仍然显得毫无意义。 "But you said you cared." “但是你说过你有意呢。” "I shouldn't have said it." “我本不该说了。” Somewhere in her brain, a slow fire rose and rage began to blot out everything else. 这时她脑子里什么地方有一把缓缓燃着的火升起来了，愤怒开始要扫除其余的一切。 "Well, having been cad enough to say it - " “好吧，这样说反正是够混蛋的——” His face went white. 他的脸发白了。 "I was a cad to say it, as I'm going to marry Melanie. “因为我就要跟媚兰结婚了。我这样说是混蛋的， I did you a wrong and Melanie a greater one. I should not have said it, for I knew you wouldn't understand. 我本来就不该说的，既然我知道你不会理解。 How could I help caring for you - you who have all the passion for life that I have not? 我怎能不关心你呢？——你对生活倾注着全部热情，而这种热情我却没有。 You who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things and I - " 你能够狠狠地爱和狠狠地恨，而我却不能这样。你就像火和风以及其他原始的东西那样单纯，而我----" She thought of Melanie and saw suddenly her quiet brown eyes with their far-off look, her placid little hands in their black lace mitts, her gentle silences. 思嘉想起了媚兰，突然看到她那双宁静的仿佛正在出神的褐色的眼睛，她那双戴着的黑色花边长手套的温和的小手和那种高雅文静的神态。 And then her rage broke, the same rage that drove Gerald to murder and other Irish ancestors to misdeeds that cost them their necks. 于是她的怒火爆发了，这就是激起杰拉尔德去杀人和其他爱尔兰先辈去冒生命危险的那种怒火。 There was nothing in her now of the well-bred Robillards who could bear with white silence anything the world might cast. 此刻她身上已没有一点点母系罗比拉德家族富有教养和能够默默忍受世界上任何折磨的品性了。 "Why don't you say it, you coward! “你这个懦夫！你为什么不说出来， You're afraid to marry me! 你是害怕跟我结婚喽！ You'd rather live with that stupid little fool who can't open her mouth except to say 'Yes' or 'No' and raise a passel of mealy - mouthed brats just like her! Why--" 你是宁愿同那个愚蠢的小傻瓜过日子，她开口闭口‘是的’、‘是的’，还会养出一群像她那样百依百顺的小崽子来呢！为什么----” "You must not say these things about Melanie!" “你不能把媚兰说成这样！” "'I mustn't' be damned to you! Who are you to tell me I mustn't? “什么'你不能'，去你的吧！你算老几，要来教训我不能这样不能那样？ You coward, you cad, you - You made me believe you were going to marry me--" 你是个胆小鬼，你混蛋。你让我相信你准备娶我----” "Be fair," his voice pleaded. "Did I ever--" “你要公道些，"他用恳求的口气说。"我何尝-—" She did not want to be fair, although she knew what he said was true. 她可不要什么公道，尽管知道他的话是一点不错的。 He had never once crossed the borders of friendliness with her and, when she thought of this fresh anger rose, the anger of hurt pride and feminine vanity. 他从来没有跨越过跟她的友谊关系的界限，可是她想到这一点，怒火就更旺了，因为这有伤她的自尊心和女性的虚荣。 She had run after him and he would have none of her. 她一直在追求他，可他一点也不动心。 He preferred a whey-faced little fool like Melanie to her. 他宁愿要媚兰这样脸色苍白小的傻瓜也不要她。 Oh, far better that she had followed Ellen and Mammy's precepts and never, never revealed that she even liked him - better anything than to be faced with this scorching shame! 啊，她要是遵照母亲和嬷嬷的教训，连一丝喜欢的意思也从不向他透露，那会好得多呢——比面对这种羞死人的场面更不知要好到哪里去了！ She sprang to her feet, her hands clenched and he rose towering over her, his face full of the mute misery of one forced to face realities when realities are agonies. 两只手紧紧握拳，她一跃而起，同时他也起身俯视着她，脸上充满着无言的痛苦，就像一个人在被迫面对现实而现实又十分惨痛似的。 "I shall hate you till I die, you cad - you lowdown – lowdown - " “我要恨你一辈子，你这混蛋——你这下流——下流——" What was the word she wanted? She could not think of any word bad enough. 她要用一个最恶毒的字眼，可是怎么也想不出来。 "Scarlett - please - " “思嘉----请你----” He put out his hand toward her and, as he did, she slapped him across the face with all the strength she had. 他向她伸出手来，可这时她使出全身力气狠狠地打了他一个耳光， The noise cracked like a whip in the still room and suddenly her rage was gone, and there was desolation in her heart. 那噼啪的响声在这静静的房间里就像抽了一鞭子似的。紧接着她的怒气突然消失，心中只剩下一阵凄凉。 The red mark of her hand showed plainly on his white tired face. 她那红红的手掌印明显地留在他白皙的而疲倦的脸上。 He said nothing but lifted her limp hand to his lips and kissed it. 他一句话也没说，只拿起她那只柔软的手放到自己的唇边吻了吻。 Then he was gone before she could speak again, closing the door softly behind him. 接着，他没等她说出话来便走了出去，随手把门轻轻关上。 She sat down again very suddenly, the reaction from her rage making her knees feel weak. 她很突然地又在椅子上坐下，因为怒气一过，两个膝头便酸软无力了。 He was gone and the memory of his stricken face would haunt her till she died. 他走了，可是他那张被抽打的脸孔的印象将终生留在她的记忆中。