To Room Nineteen——DORIS LESSIN十九号房英文原文

DORIS LESSING Lessing1 /les/, Doris (May) (b.1919), British novelist and short-story writer, brought up in Rhodesia. An active Communist in her youth, she frequently deals with social and political conflicts in her fiction, especially as they affect women; The Golden Notebook (1962) was hailed as a landmark by the women's movement. Other works include The Grass is Singing (1950) about interracial relationships in Africa, and a quintet of science-fiction novels collectively entitled Canopus in Argus: Archives (1979-83). She won Nobel Prize for Literature in 2007. To Room Nineteen This is a story, I suppose, about a failure in i ntelligence: the Rawlings’ marriage was grounded in intelligence. They were older when they mar r ied than most of their married friends: in their well-seasoned late twenties. Both had had a number of affairs, sweet rath e r than bitter; and when they fell in love—for they did fall in love—had known each other for some time. They joked that they had saved each other “for the real thing.” That they had waited so long (but not too long) for this real thing was to them a proof of their s ensible discrimination1. A good many of their friends had married young, and now (they felt) probably regretted lost opportunities; while others, still unmarrie d, seemed to them arid2, self-doubting, and likely to make desperate or romantic marriages. Not only they, but others, felt they were well matched: their friends’delight was an additional proof of their happiness. They had played the same roles, male and female, in this group or set, if such a wide, loosely connected, constantly changing constellation of people could be called a set. They had both become, by virtue of their moderation, their humour, and their abstinence3from painful experience people to whom others came for advice. They could be, and were, relied on. It was one of those cases of a man and a woman linking themselves whom no one else had ever thought of linking, probably because of their similarities. But then everyone exclaimed: O f course! How right! How was it we never thought of it before! An d so they married amid general rejoicing, and because of their foresight and their sense for what was probable, nothing was a surprise to them. Both had well-paid jobs. Matthew was a subeditor on a large London newspaper, and Susan worked in an advertising firm. He was not the stuff of which editors or publicised journalists are made, but he was much more than “a subeditor,” being one of the essential background people who in fact steady, inspi r e and make possible the people in the limelight. H e was content with this position. Susan had a talent for commercial drawi n g. She was humorous about the advertisements she was responsible for, 1discrimination—a distinction in the treatment of different categories of people or things, esp. unjustly or prejudicially against people on grounds of race, colour, sex, social status, age, etc. 2arid—of a substance, eg. the skin, dry, parched, withered. Here it figuratively refers to the unmarried people are uninteresting and dull. 3abstinenc e—the act of voluntarily refraining from any action. but she did not feel strongly about them one way or the other. Both, before they married, had had pleasant flats, but they felt it unwise to base a marriage on either flat, because it might seem like a submission of personality on the part of the one whose flat it was not. They moved into a new flat in South Kensington4on the clear understanding that when their marriage had settled down (a process they knew would not take long, and was in fact more a humorous concession to popular wisdom than what was due to themselves) they would buy a house and start a family. And this is what happened. They lived in their charming flat for two years, giving parties and going to them, being a popular young married couple, and then Susan became pregnant, she gave up her job, and they bought a house in Richmond5. It was typical of this couple that they had a son first, then a daughter, then twins, son and daughter. Everything right, appropriate, and what everyone would wish for, if they could choose. But people did feel these two had chosen; this balanced and sensible family was no more than what was due to them because of their infallible sense for choosing right. And so they lived with their four children in their gardened house in Richmond and Were happy. They had everything they had wanted and had planned for. And yet ... Well, even this was expected, that there must be a certain flatness.... Yes, yes, of course, it was natural they sometimes felt like this. Like what? Their life seemed to be like a snake biting its tail. Matthew’s job for the sake of Susan, children, house, and garden—which caravanserai6needed a well-paid job to maintain it. And Susan’s practical intelligence for the sake of Matthew, the children, the house and the garden—which unit would have collapsed in a week without her. But there was no point about which either could say: “For the sake of this is all the rest.”Children? But children can’t be a centre of life and a reason for being. They can be a thousand things that are delightful, interesting, satisfying, but they can’t be a wellspring to live from. Or they shouldn’t be. Susan and Matthew knew that well enough. Matthew’s job? Ridiculous. It was an interesting job, but scarcely a reason for living. Matthew took pride in doing it well; but he could hardly be expected to be proud of the newspaper: the newspaper he read, his newspaper, was not the one he worked for. Their love for each other? Well, that was nearest it. If this wasn’t a centre, what was? Yes, it was around this point, their love, that the whole extraordinary structure revolved. For extraordinary it certainly was. Both Susan and Matthew had moments of thinking so, of looking in secret disbelief at this thing they had created: marriage, four children, big house, garden, charwomen, friends, cars ... and this thing, this entity, all of it had come into existence, been blown into being out of nowhere, because Susan loved Matthew and Matthew loved Susan. Extraordinary. So that was the central point, the wellspring. And if one felt that it simply was not strong enough, important enough, to support it all, well whose fault was that? Certainly neither Susan’s nor Matthew’s. It was in the nature of things. And they sensibly blamed neither themselves nor each other. On the contrary, they used their intelligence to preserve what they had created from a painful and explosive world: they looked around them, and took lessons. All around them, marriages collapsing, or breaking, or rubbing along (even worse, they felt). They must not make the same mistakes, they must not. 4South Kensington—part of the fashionable West End of London. 5Richmond—one of the outer boroughs of Greater London. 6caravanserai—an Eastern inn with a large inner court where caravans rest. They had avoided the pitfall7so many of their friends had fallen into—of buying a house in the country for the sake of the children, so that the husband became a weekend husband, a weekend father, and the wife always careful not to ask what went on in the town flat which they called (in joke) a bachelor flat. No, Matthew was a full-time husband, a full-time father, and at nights, in the big married bed in the big married bedroom (which had an attractive view of the river), they lay beside each other talking and he told her about his day, and what he had done, and whom he had meet; and she told him about her day (not as interesting, but that was not her fault), for both knew of the hidden resentments and deprivations of the woman who has lived her own life—and above all, has earned her own living—and is now dependent on a husband for outside interests and money. Nor did Susan make the mistake of taking a job for the sake of her inde pendence, which she might very well have done, since her old firm, missing her qualities of humour, balance, and sense, invited her often to go back. Children needed their mother to a certain age, that both parents knew and agreed on; and when these four healthy wisely brought-up children were of the right age, Susan would work again, because she knew, and so did he, what happened to women of fifty at the height of their energy and ability, with grown-up children who no longer needed their full devotion. So here was this couple, testing their marriage, looking after it, treating it like a small boat full of helpless people in a very stormy sea. Well, of course, so it was.... The storms of the world were bad, but not too close—which is not to say they were selfishly felt: Susan and Matthew were both well-informed and responsible people. And the inner storms and quicksands8were understood and charted. So everything was all right. Everything was in order. Yes, things were under control. So what did it matter if they felt dry, flat? People like themselves, fed on a hundred books (psychological, anthropological, sociological) could scarcely be unprepared for the dry, controlled wistfulness which is the distinguishing mark of the intelligent marriage. Two people, endowed with education, with discrimination, with judgement, linked together voluntarily from their will to be happy together and to be of use to others—one sees them everywhere, one knows them, one even is that thing oneself: sadness because so much is after all so little. These two, unsurprised, turned towards each other with even more courtesy and gentle love: this was life, that two people, no matter how carefully chosen, could not be everything to each other. In fact, even to say so, to think in such a way, was banal9, they were ashamed to do it. It was banal, too, when one night Matthew came home late and confessed he had been to a party, taken a girl home and slept with her. Susan forgave him, of course. Except that forgiveness is hardly the word. Understanding, yes. But if you understand something, you don’t forgive it, you are the thing itself: forgiveness is for what you don’t understand. Nor had he confessed—what sort of word is that? The whole thing was not important. After all, years ago they had joked: Of course I’m not going to be faithful to you, no one can be faithful to one other person for a whole lifetime. (And there was the word “faithful”—stupid, all these words, stupid, belonging to a savage old world.) But the incident left both of them irritable. Strange, but they were both bad-tempered, annoyed. There was something unassimilable10about it. Making love splendidly after he had come home that night, both had felt that the idea that 7pitfall—a hidden or unsuspected danger, drawback, difficulty or opportunity for error 8storms and quicksands—It figuratively refers to a treacherous thing or (rare) person. 9banal—commonplace, trite, trivial. 10unassimilable—unable to be absorbed and incorporated. Myra Jenkins, a pretty girl met at a party, could be even relevant was ridiculous. They had loved each other for over a decade, would love each other for years more. Who, then, was Myra Jenkins? Except, thought Susan, unaccountably bad-tempered, she was (is?) the first. In ten years. So either the ten years’ fidelity was not important, or she isn’t. (No, no, there is something wrong with this way of thinking, there must be.) But if she isn’t important, presumably it wasn’t important either when Matthew and I first went to bed with each other that afternoon whose delight even now (like a very long shadow at sundown) lays a long, wand-like finger over us. (Why did I say sundown?) Well, if what we felt that afternoon was not important, nothing is important, because if it hadn’t been for what we felt, we wouldn’t be Mr. and Mrs. Rawlings with four children, etc., etc. The whole thing is absurd—for him to have come home and told me was absurd. For him not to have told me was absurd. For me to care, or for that matter not to care, is absurd ... and who is Myra Jenkins? Why, no one at all. There was only one thing to do, and of course these sensible people did it: they put the thing behind them, and consciously, knowing what they were doing, moved forward into a different phase of their marriage, giving thanks for past good fortune as they did so. For it was inevitable that the handsome, blond, attractive, manly man, Matthew Rawlings, should be at times tempted (oh, what a word!) by the attractive girls at parties she could not attend because of the four children; and that sometimes he would succumb11(a word even more repulsive, if possible) and that she, a good-looking woman in the big well-tended garden at Richmond, would sometimes be pierced as by an arrow from the sky with bitterness. Except that bitterness was not in order, it was out of court. Did the casual girls touch the marriage? They did not. Rather it was they who knew defeat because of the handsome Matthew Rawlings’ marriage body and soul to Susan Rawlings. In that case why did Susan feel (though luckily not for longer than a few seconds at a time) as if life had become a desert, and that nothing mattered, and that her children were not her own? Meanwhile her intelligence continued to assert that all was well. What if her Matthew did have an occasional sweet afternoon, the odd affair? For she knew quite well, except in her moments of aridity, that they were very happy, that the affairs were not important. Perhaps that was the trouble? It was in the nature of things that the adventures and delights could no longer be hers, because of the four children and the big house that needed so much attention. But perhaps she was secretly wishing, and even knowing that she did, that the wildness and the beauty could be his. But he was married to her. She was married to him. They were married inextricably. And therefore the gods could not strike him with the real magic, not really. Well, was it Susan’s fault that after he came home from an adventure he looked harassed12rather than fulfilled? (In fact, that was how she knew he had been unfaithful, because of his sullen13air, and his glances at her, similar to hers at him: What is it that I share with this person that shields all delight from me?) But none of it by anybody’s fault. (But what did they feel ought to be somebody’s fault?) Nobody’s fault, nothing to be at fault, no one to blame, no one to offer or to take it ... and nothing wrong, either, except that Matthew never was really struck, as he wanted to be, by joy; and that Susan was more and more often threatened by emptiness. (It was usually in the garden that she was invaded by this feeling: she was coming to avoid the garden, unless the children or 11succumb—sink under pressure; give way to force, authority, emotion, etc. 12harassed—overwhelm with cares, misfortunes. 13sullen—solitary, alone, melancholy temperament. Matthew were with her.) There was no need to use the dramatic words, unfaithful, forgive, and the rest: intelligence forbade them. Intelligence barred, too, quarrelling, sulking, anger, silences of withdrawal, accusations and tears. Above all, intelligence forbids tears. A high price has to be paid for the happy marriage with the four healthy children in the large white gardened house. And they were paying it, willingly, knowing what they were doing. When they lay side by side or breast to breast in the big civilised bedroom overlookin g the wild sullied river, they laughed, often, for no particular reason; but they knew it was really because of these two small people, Susan and Matthew, supporting such an edifice on their intelligent love. The laugh comforted them; it saved them both, though from what, they did not know. They were now both fortyish. The older children, boy and girl were ten and eight, at school. The twins, six, were still at home. Susan did not have nurses or girls to help her: childhood is short; and she did not regret the hard work. Often enough she was bored, since small children can be boring; she was often very tired; but she regretted nothing. In another decade, she would turn herself back into being a woman with a life of her own. Soon the twins would go to school, and they would be away from home from nine until four. These hours, so Susan saw it, would be the preparation for her own slow emancipation away from the role of hub-of-the-family into woman-with-her-own-life. She was already planning for the hours of freedom when all the children would be "off her hands." That was the phrase used by Matthew and by Susan and by their friends, for the moment when the youngest child went off to school. "They'll be off your hands, darling Susan, and you'll have time to yourself." So said Matthew, the intelligent husband, who had often enough commended and consoled Susan, standing by her in spirit during the years when her soul was not her own, as she said, but her children's. What it amounted to was that Susan saw herself as she had been at twenty-eight, unmarried; and then again somewhere about fifty, blossoming from the root of what she had been twenty years before. As if the essential Susan were in abeyance, as if she were in cold storage. Matthew said something like this to Susan one night: and she agreed that it was true—she did feel something like that. What, then, was this essential Susan? She did not know. Put like that it sounded ridiculous, and she did not really feel it. Anyway, they had a long discussion about the whole thing before going off to sleep in each other’s arms. So the twins went off to their school, two bright affectionate children who had no problems about it, since their older brother and sister had trodden this path so successfully before them. And now Susan was going to be alone in the big house, every day of the school term, except for the daily woman who came in to clean. It was now, for the first time in this marriage, that something happened which neither of them had foreseen. This is what happened. She returned, at nine-thirty, from taking the twins to the school by car, looking forward to seven blissful14hours of freedom. On the first morning she was simply restless, worrying about the twins “naturally enough” since this was their first day away at school. She was hardly able to contain herself until they came back. Which they did happily, excited by the world of school, looking forward to the next day. And the next day Susan took them, dropped them, came back, and found herself reluctant to enter her big and beautiful home because it was as if something was waiting for her there that she did not wish to confront. Sensibly, however, she parked the car in the 14blissful—perfectly joyous or happy; happily oblivious. garage, entered the house, spoke to Mrs. Parkes the daily woman about her duties, and went up to her bedroom. She was possessed by a fever which drove her out again, downstairs, into the kitchen, where Mrs Parkes was making cake and did not need her, and into the garden. There she sat on a bench and tried to calm herself, looking at trees, at a brown glimpse of the river. But she was filled with tension, like a panic: as if an enemy was in the garden with her. She spoke to herself severely, thus: All this is quite natural. First, I spent twelve years of my adult life working, living my own life. Then I married, and from the moment I became pregnant for the first time I signed myself over, so to speak, to other people. To the children. Not for one moment in twelve years have I been alone, had time to myself. So now I have to learn to be myself again. That’s all. And she went indoors to help Mrs. Parkes cook and clean, and found some sewing to do for the children. She kept herself occupied every day. At the end of the first term she understood she felt two contrary emotions. First: secret astonishment and dismay that during those weeks when the house was empty of children she had in fact been more occupied (had been careful to keep herself occupied) than ever she had been when the children were around her needing her continual attention. Second: that now she knew the house would be full of them, and for five weeks, she resented the fact she would never be alone. She was already looking back at those hours of sewing, cooking (but by herself), as at a lost freedom which would not be hers for five long weeks. And the two months of term which would succeed the five weeks stretched alluringly15open to her—freedom. But what freedom—when in fact she had been so careful not to be free of small duties during the last weeks? She looked at herself, Susan Rawlings, sitting in a big chair by the window in the bedroom, sewing shirts or dresses, which she might just as well have bought. She saw herself making cakes for hours at a time in the big family kitchen: yet usually she bought cakes. What she saw was a woman alone, that was true, but she had not felt alone. For instance, Mrs. Parkes was always somewhere in the house. And she did not like being in the garden at all, because of the closeness there of the enemy—irritation, restlessness, emptiness, whatever it was—which keeping her hands occupied made less dangerous for some reason. Susan did not tell Matthew of these thoughts. They were not sensible. She did not recognize herself in them. What should she say to her dear friend and husband Matthew? “When I go into the garden, that is, if the children are not there, I feel as if there is an enemy there waiting to invade me.”“What enemy, Susan darling?”“Well I don’t know, really. ..,”“Perhaps you should see a doctor?” No, clearly this conversation should not take place. The holidays began and Susan welcomed them. Four children, lively, energetic, intelligent, demanding: she was never, not for a moment of her day, alone. If she was in a room, they would be in the next room, or waiting for her to do something for them; or it would soon be time for lunch or tea, or to take one of them to the dentist. Something to do: five weeks of it, thank goodness. On the fourth day of these so welcome holidays, she found she was storming with anger at the twins, two shrinking beautiful children who (and this is what checked her) stood hand in hand looking at her with sheer dismayed disbelief. This was their calm mother, shouting at them. And for what? They had come to her with some game, some bit of nonsense. They looked at each other, moved closer for support, and went off hand in hand, leaving Susan holding on to the windowsill of the living room, breathing deep, feeling sick. She went to lie down, telling the older children she 15alluringly—attractively, charmingly. allure—attract or tempt by something advantageous, pleasant, or flattering. had a headache. She heard the boy Harry telling the little ones: “It’s all right, Mother’s got a headache.” She heard that It’s all right with pain. That night she said to her husband: “Today I shouted at the twins, quite unfairly.”She sounded miserable, and he said gently: “Well, what of it?” “It’s more of an adjustment than I thought, their going to school.” “But Susie, Susie darling. ...” For she was crouched weeping on the bed. He comforted her: “Susan, what is all this about? You shouted at them? What of it? If you shouted at them fifty times a day it wouldn’t be more than the little devils deserve.” But she wouldn’t laugh. She wept. Soon he comforted her with his body. She became calm. Calm, she wondered what was wrong with her, and why she should mind so much that she might, just once, have behaved unjustly with the children. What did it matter? They had forgotten it all long ago: Mother had a headache and everything was all right. It was a long time later that Susan understood that that night, when she had wept and Matthew had driven the misery out of her with his big solid body, was the last time, ever in their married life, that they had been—to use their mutual language—with each other. And even that was a lie, because she had not told him of her real fears at all. The five weeks passed, and Susan was in control of herself, and good and kind, and she looked forward to the end of the holidays with a mixture of fear and longing. She did not know what to expect. She took the twins off to school (the elder children took themselves to school) and she returned to the house determined to face the enemy wherever he was, in the house, or the garden or—where? She was again restless, she was possessed by restlessness. She cooked and sewed and worked as before, day after day, while Mrs. Parkes remonstrated16: “Mrs. Rawlings, what’s the need for it? I can do that, it’s what you pay me for.” And it was so irrational that she checked herself. She would put the car into the garage, go up to her bedroom, and sit, hands in her lap, forcing herself to be quiet. She listened to Mrs. Parkes moving around the house. She looked out into the garden and saw the branches shake the trees. She sat defeating the enemy, restlessness. Emptiness. She ought to be thinking about her life, about herself. But she did not. Or perhaps she could not. As soon as she forced her mind to think about Susan (for what else did she want to be alone for?) it skipped off to thoughts of butter or school clothes. Or it thought of Mrs. Parkes. She realised that she sat listening for the movements of the cleaning woman, following her every turn, bend, thought. She followed her in her mind from kitchen to bathroom, from table to oven, and it was as if the duster, the cleaning cloth, the saucepan, were in her own hand. She would hear herself saying: No, not like that, don’t put that there.... Yet she did not give a damn what Mrs. Parkes did, or if she did it at all. Yet she could not prevent herself from being conscious of her, every minute. Yes, this was what was wrong with her: she needed, when she was alone, to be really alone, with no one near. She could not endure the knowledge that in ten minutes or in half an hour Mrs. Parkes would call up the stairs: “Mrs. Rawlings, there’s no silver polish. Madam, we’re out of flour.” So she left the house and went to sit in the garden where she was screened17from the house by trees. She waited for the demon to appear and claim her, but he did not. She was keeping him off, because she had not, after all, come to an end of arranging 16remonstrated—point out (a fault etc.) to someone by way of reproof or complaint; protest against (a wrong). 17screened—sheltered, protected, or concealed with the trees. herself. She was planning how to be somewhere where Mrs. Parkes would not come after her with a cup of tea, or a demand to be allowed to telephone (always irritating since Susan did not care who she telephoned or how often), or just a nice talk about something. Yes, she needed a place, or a state of affairs, where it would not be necessary to keep reminding herself: In ten minutes I must telephone Matthew about ... and at half past three T must leave early for the children because the car needs cleaning. And at ten o’clock tomorrow I must remember.... She was possessed with resentment that the seven hours of freedom in every day (during weekdays in the school term) were not free, that never, not for one second, ever, was she free from the pressure of time, from having to remember this or that. She could never forget herself; never really let herself go into forgetfulness. Resentment. It was poisoning her. (She looked at this emotion and thought it was absurd. Yet she felt it.) She was a prisoner. (She looked at this thought too, and it was no good telling herself it was a ridiculous one.) She must tell Matthew—but what? She was filled with emotions that were utterly ridiculous, that she despised, yet that nevertheless she was feeling so strongly she could not shake them off. The school holidays came round, and this time they were for nearly two months, and she behaved with a conscious controlled decency that nearly drove her crazy. She would lock herself in the bathroom, and sit on the edge of the bath, breathing deep, trying to let go into some kind of calm. Or she went up into the spare room, usually empty, where no one would expect her to be. She heard the children calling “Mother, Mother,” and kept silent, feeling guilty. Or she went to the very end of the garden, by herself, and looked at the slow-moving brown river; she looked at the river and closed her eyes and breathed slow and deep, taking it into her being, into her veins. Then she returned to the family, wife and mother, smiling and responsible, feeling as if the pressure of these people—four lively children and her husband—were a painful pressure on the surface of her skin, a hand pressing on her brain. She did not once break down into irritation during these holidays, but it was like living out a prison sentence, and when the children went back to school, she sat on a white stone seat near the flowing river, and she thought: It is not even a year since the twins went to school, since they were off my hands (What on earth did I think I meant when I used that stupid phrase?) and yet I’m a different person. I’m simply not myself. I don’t understand it. Yet she had to understand it. For she knew that this structure—big white house, on which the mortgage18still cost four hundred19 a year, a husband, so good and kind and insightful, four children, all doing so nicely, and the garden where she sat, and Mrs. Parkes the cleaning woman—all this depended on her, and yet she could not understand why, or even what it was she contributed to it. She said to Matthew in their bedroom: “I think there must be something wrong with me.” And he said: “Surely not, Susan? You look marvelous-you’re as lovely as ever.” She looked at the handsome blond man, with his clear, intelligent, blue-eyed face, and thought: Why is it I can’t tell him? Why not? And she said: “I need to be alone more than I am.” At which he swung his slow blue gaze at her, and she saw what she had been dreading: 18mortgage—the charging of real or personal property by a debtor in favour of a creditor as security for a money debt (esp. one incurred by the purchase of the property), on the condition that the property be discharged on payment of the debt within a certain period. 19four hundred—four hundred pounds. Incredulity. Disbelief. And fear. An incredulous blue stare from a stranger who was her husband, as close to her as her own breath. He said: “But the children are at school and off your hands.” She said to herself: I’ve got to force myself to say: Yes, but do you realise that I never feel free? There’s never a moment I can say to myself: There’s not hing I have to remind myself about, nothing I have to do in half an hour, or an hour, or two hours.... But she said: “I don’t feel well.” He said: “Perhaps you need a holiday.” She said, appalled: “But not without you, surely?” For she could not imagine he rself going off without him. Yet that was what he meant. Seeing her face, he laughed, and opened his arms, and she went into them, thinking: Yes, yes, but why can’t I say it? And what is it I have to say? She tried to tell him, about never being free. And he listened and said: “But Susan, what sort of freedom can you possibly want—short of being dead! Am I ever free? I go to the office, and I have to be there at ten—all right, half past ten, sometimes. And I have to do this or that, don’t I? Then I’ve got to come home at a certain time—I don’t mean it, you know I don’t—but if I’m not going to be back home at six I telephone you. When can I ever say to myself: I have nothing to be responsible for in the next six hours?” Susan, hearing this, was remorseful. Because it was true. The good marriage, the house, the children, depended just as much on his voluntary bondage as it did on hers. But why did he not feel bound? Why didn’t he chafe20and become restless? No, there was something really wrong with her and this proved it. And that word “bondage”—why had she used it? She had never felt marriage, or the children, as bondage. Neithe r had he, or surely they wouldn’t be together lying in each other’s arms content after twelve years of marriage. No, her state (whatever it was) was irrelevant, nothing to do with her real good life with her family. She had to accept the fact that after all, she was an irrational person and to live with it. Some people had to live with crippled arms, or stammers, or being deaf. She would have to live knowing she was subject to a state of mind she could not own. Nevertheless, as a result of this conversation with her husband, there was a new regime next holidays. The spare room at the top of the house now had a cardboard sign saying: PRIV ATE! DO NOT DISTURB! on it. (This sign had been drawn in coloured chalks by the children, after a discussion between the parents in which it was decided this was psychologically the right thing.) The family and Mrs. Parkes knew this was “Mother’s Room” an d that she was entitled to her privacy. Many serious conversations took place between Matthew and the children about not taking Mother for granted. Susan overheard the first, between father and Harry, the older boy, and was surprised at her irritation over it. Surely she could have a room somewhere in that big house and retire into it without such a fuss being made? Without it being so solemnly discussed? Why couldn’t she simply have announced: “I’m going to fit out the little top room for myself, and when I’m in it I’m not to be disturbed for anything short of fire”? Just that, and finished; instead of long earnest discussions. When she heard Harry and Matthew explaining it to the twins with Mrs Parkes coming in—“Yes, well, a family sometimes gets on top of a woman”—she had to go right away to the bottom of the garden until the devils of exasperation had finished their dance in 20chafe—be or become impatient, irritated, or annoyed because of sth. her blood. But now there was a room, and she could go there when she liked, she used it seldom: she felt even more caged there than in her bedroom. One day she had gone up there after a lunch for ten children she had cooked and served because Mrs. Parkes was not there, and had sat alone for a while looking into the garden. She saw the children stream out from the kitchen and stand looking up at the window where she sat behind the curtains. They were all—her children and their friends—discussing Mother’s Room. A few minutes later, the chase of children in some game came pounding up the stairs, but ended as abruptly as if they had fallen over a ravine, so sudden was the silence. They had remembered she was there, and had gone silent in a great gale of “Hush! Shhhhhh! Quiet, you’ll disturb her. ...” And they went tiptoeing downstairs like criminal conspirators. When she came down to make tea for them, they all apologised. The twins put their arms around her, from front and back, making a human cage of loving limbs, and promised it would never occur again. “We forgot, Mummy, we forgot all about it!” What it amounted to was that Mother’s Room, and her need for privacy, had become a valuable lesson in respect for other people’s rights. Quite soon Susan was going up to the room only because it was a lesson it was a pity to drop. Then she took sewing up there, and the children and Mrs Parkes came in and out: it had become another family room. She sighed, and smiled, and resigned herself—she made jokes at her own expense with Matthew over the room. That is, she did from the self she liked, she respected. But at the same time, something inside her howled with impatience, with rage.... And she was frightened. One day she found herself kneeling by her bed and praying: “Dear God, keep it away from me, keep him away from me.” She meant the devil, for she now thought of it, not caring if she were irrational, as some sort of demon. She imagined him, or it, as a youngish man, or perhaps a middle-aged man pretending to be young. Or a man young-looking from immaturity? At any rate, she saw the young-looking face which, when she drew closer, had dry lines about mouth and eyes. He was thinnish, meagre in build. And he had a reddish complexion, and ginger hair. That was he—a gingery, energetic man, and he wore a reddish hairy jacket, unpleasant to the touch. Well, one day she saw him. She was standing at the bottom of the garden, watching the river ebb past, when she raised her eyes and saw this person, or being, sitting on the white stone bench. He was looking at her, and grinning. In his hand was a long crooked stick, which he had picked off the ground, or broken off the tree above him. He was absent-mindedly, out of an absent-minded or freakish21 impulse of spite22, using the stick to stir around in the coils of a blindworm23or a grass snake (or some kind of snakelike creature: it was whitish and unhealthy to look at, unpleasant). The snake was twisting about, flinging its coils from side to side in a kind of dance of protest against the teasing prodding stick. Susan looked at him thinking: Who is the stranger? What is he doing in our garden? Then she recognised the man around whom her terrors had crystallised24. As she did so, he vanished. She made herself walk over to the bench. A shadow from a branch lay across thin emerald25grass, moving jerkily over its roughness, and she could see why she had taken it for a snake, lashing and twisting. She went back to the house thinking: Right, then, so I’ve seen him with my own eyes, so I’m not crazy 21freakish—capricious, whimsical; irregular, unpredictable; curious. 22spite—a feeling of annoyance. 23blindworm—a kind of crawl animal. (无脚蜥蜴) 24crystallised—give a definite, precise, and usually permanent form to her. 25emerald—the colour of bright green. after all—there is a danger because I’ve seen him. He is lurking26in the garden and sometimes even in the house, and he wants to get into me and to take me over. She dreamed of having a room or a place, anywhere, where she could go and sit, by herself, no one knowing where she was. Once, near Victoria27, she found herself outside a news agent that had Rooms to Let advertised. She decided to rent a room, telling no one. Sometimes she could take the train in to Richmond and sit alone in it for an hour or two, yet how could she? A room would cost three or four pounds a week, and she earned no money, and how could she explain to Matthew that she needed such a sum? What for? It did not occur to her that she was taking it for granted she wasn’t going to tell him about the room. Well, it was out of the question, having a room; yet she knew she must. One day, when a school term was well established, and none of the children had measles or other ailments, and everything seemed in order, she did the shopping early, explained to Mrs. Parkes she was meeting an old school friend, took the train to Victoria, searched until she found a small quiet hotel, and asked for a room for the day. They did not let rooms by the day, the manageress said, looking doubtful, since Susan so obviously was not the kind of woman who needed a room for unrespectable reasons. Susan made a long explanation about not being well, being unable to shop without frequent rests for lying down. At last she was allowed to rent the room provided she paid a full night’s price for it. She was taken up by the manageress and a maid, both concerned over the state of her health ... which must be pretty bad if, living at Richmond (she had signed her name and address in the register), she needed a shelter at Victoria. The room was ordinary and anonymous, and was just what Susan needed. She put a shilling in the gas fire, and sat, eyes shut, in a dingy armchair with her back to a dingy window. She was alone. She was alone. She was alone. She could feel pressures lifting off her. First the sounds of traffic came very loud; then they seemed to vanish; she might even have slept a little. A knock on the door: it was Miss Townsend the manageress, bringing her a cup of tea with her own hands, so concerned was she over Susan’s long silence and possible illness. Miss Townsend was a lonely woman of fifty, running this hotel with all the rectitude28expected of her, and she sensed in Susan the possibility of understanding companionship. She stayed to talk. Susan found herself in the middle of a fantastic story about her illness, which got more and more improbable as she tried to make it tally with the large house at Richmond, well-off husband, and four children. Suppose she said instead: Miss Townsend, I'm here in your hotel because I need to be alone for a few hours, above all alone and with no one knowing where I am. She said it mentally, and saw, mentally, the look that would inevitably come on Miss Townsend’s elderly maiden’s face. “Miss Town-send, my four children and my husband are driving me insane, do you understand that? Yes, I can see from the gleam of hysteria in your eyes that comes from loneliness controlled but only just contained that I’ve got everything in the world you’ve ever longed for. Well, Miss Townsend, I don’t want any of it. You can have it, Miss Townsend. I wish I was absolutely alone in the world, like you. Miss Townsend, I’m besieged by seven devils, Miss Townsend, Miss Townsend, let me stay here in your hotel where the devils can’t get me....” Instead of saying all this, she described her anaemia29, agreed to try Miss Townsend’s remedy for it, which was raw liver, minced, between whole-meal bread, and 26lurk—be hidden; lie in ambush; conceal oneself. 27Victoria—one of the main railway stations in central London. 28rectitude—moral uprightness, integrity, virtue, and also, self-righteousness. 29anaemia—a deficiency of red blood cells or their haemoglobin, often causing pallor. said yes, perhaps it would be better if she stayed at home and let a friend do shopping for her. She paid her bill and left the hotel, defeated. At home Mrs. Parkes said she didn't really like it, no, not really, when Mrs. Rawlings was away from nine in the morning until five. The teacher had telephoned from school to say Joan’s teeth were paining her, and she hadn’t known what to say; and what was she to make for the children’s tea, Mrs. Rawlings hadn’t said. All this was nonsense, of course. Mrs. Parkes’s complaint was that Susan had withdrawn herself spiritually, leaving the burden of the big house on her. Susan looked back at her day of “freedom” which had resulted in her becoming a friend to the lonely Miss Townsend, and in Mrs. Parkes’s remonstrances. Yet she remembered the short blissful hour of being alone, really alone. She was determined to arrange her life, no matter what it cost, so that she could have that solitude more often. An absolute solitude, where no one knew her or cared about her. But how? She thought of saying to her old employer: I want you to back me up in a story with Matthew that I am doing part-time work for you. The truth is that ... but she would have to tell him a lie too, and which lie? She could not say: I want to sit by myself three or four times a week in a rented room. And besides, he knew Matthew, and she could not really ask him to tell lies on her behalf, apart from his being bound to think it meant a lover. Suppose she really took a part-time job, which she could get through fast and efficiently, leaving time for herself. What job? Addressing envelopes? Canvassing30? And there was Mrs. Parkes, working widow, who knew exactly what she was prepared to give to the house, who knew by instinct when her mistress withdrew in spirit from her responsibilities. Mrs. Parkes was one of the servers of this world, but she needed someone to serve. She had to have Mrs. Rawlings, her madam, at the top of the house or in the garden, so that she could come and get support from her: “Yes, the bread’s not what it was when I was a girl. ... Yes, Harry’s got a wonderful appetite, I wonder where he puts it all.... Yes, it’s lucky the twins are so much of a size, they can wear each other’s shoes, that’s a saving in these hard times.... Yes, the cherry jam from Switzerland is not a patch on the jam from Poland, and three times the price....” And so on. That sort of talk Mrs. Parkes must have, every day, or she would leave, not knowing herself why she left. Susan Rawlings, thinking these thoughts, found that she was prowling31through the great thicketed garden like a wild cat: she was walking up the stairs, down the stairs, through the rooms, into the garden, along the brown running river, back, up through the house, down again.... It was a wonder Mrs. Parkes did not think it strange. But on the contrary, Mrs. Rawlings could do what she liked, she could stand on her head if she wanted, provided she was there. Susan Rawlings prowled and muttered through her house, hating Mrs. Parkes, hating poor Miss Townsend, dreaming of her hour of solitude in the dingy respectability of Miss Townsend's hotel bedroom, and she knew quite well she was mad. Yes, she was mad. She said to Matthew that she must have a holiday. Matthew agreed with her. This was not as things had been once—how they had talked in each other's arms in the marriage bed. He had, she knew, diagnosed her finally as unreasonable. She had become someone outside himself that he had to manage. They were living side by side in this house like two tolerably friendly strangers. 30canvassing—discuss, criticize, examine fully; seek to ascertain; discuss with a view to adoption, propose (a plan etc.). 31prowl—go or move about, esp. in search of something. Having told Mrs. Parkes—or rather, asked for her permission—she went off on a walking holiday in Wales. She chose the remotest place she knew of. Every morning the children telephoned her before they went off to school, to encourage and support her, just as they had over Mother’s Room. Every evening she telephoned them, spoke to each child in turn, and then to Matthew. Mrs Parkes, given permission to telephone for instructions or advice, did so every day at lunchtime. When, as happened three times, Mrs Rawlings was out on the mountainside, Mrs Parkes asked that she should ring back at such and such a time, for she would not be happy in what she was doing without Mrs Rawlings' blessing. Susan prowled over wild country with the telephone wire holding her to her duty like a leash32. The next time she must telephone, or wait to be telephoned, nailed her to her cross. The mountains themselves seemed trammelled by her unfreedom. Everywhere on the mountains, where she met no one at all, from breakfast time to dusk, excepting sheep, or a shepherd, she came face to face with her own craziness which might attack her in the broadest valleys, so that they seemed too small; or on a mountaintop from which she could see a hundred other mountains and valleys, so that they seemed too low, too small, with the sky pressing down too close. She would stand gazing at a hillside brilliant with ferns and bracken, jewelled with running water, and see nothing but her devil, who lifted inhuman eyes at her from where he leaned negligently33on a rock, switching at his ugly yellow boots with a leafy twig. She returned to her home and family, with the Welsh emptiness at the back of her mind like a promise of freedom. She told her husband she wanted to have an an pair girl34. They were in their bedroom, it was late at night, the children slept. He sat, shirted and slippered, in a chair by the window, looking out. She sat brushing her hair and watching him in the mirror. A time-hallowed scene in the connubial35bedroom. He said nothing, while she heard the arguments coming into his mind, only to be rejected because every one was reasonable. “It seems strange to get one now, after all, the children are in school most of the day. Surely the time for you to have help was when you were stuck with them day and night. Why don’t you ask Mrs. Parkes to cook for you? She’s even offered to—I can understand if you are tired of cooking for six people. But you know that an au pair girl means all kinds of problems, it’s not like having an ordinary char in during the day. ...” Finally he said carefully: “Are you thinking of going back to work?” “No,”she said, “no, not really,”She made herself sound vague, rather stupid. She went on brushing her black hair and peering at herself so as to be oblivious36of the short uneasy glances her Matthew kept giving her. “Do you think we can’t afford it?” she went on vaguely, not at all the old efficient Susan who knew exactly what they could afford. “It’s not that,” he said, looking out of the window at dark trees, so as not to look at her. Meanwhile she examined a round, candid, pleasant face with clear dark brows and clear grey eyes. A sensible face. She brushed thick healthy black hair and thought: Yet that’s the reflection of a madwoman. How very strange! Much more to the point if what looked back at me was the gingery 32leash—a thong or lead by which a dog, orig. esp. a hound or hunting dog, is held. Here, it means restraint or control. 33negligently—inattentive to what ought to be done; failing to take proper, necessary, or reasonable care. 34an an pair girl—young woman, usually foreign, who lived in with a family, dong housework and babysitting in exchange for room and board. 35connubial—of or relating to marriage or the relationship of husband and wife. 36oblivious—unaware of or not noticing sth. green-eyed demon with his dry meagre smile.... Why wasn’t Matthew agreeing? After all, what else could he do? She was breaking her part of the bargain and there was no way of forcing her to keep it: that her spirit, her soul, should live in this house, so that the people in it could grow like plants in water, and Mrs. Parkes remain content in their service. In return for this, he would be a good loving husband, and responsible towards the children. Well, nothing like this had been true of either of them for a long time. He did his duty, perfunctorily; she did not even pretend to do hers. And he had become like other husbands, with his real life in his work and the people he met there, and very likely a serious affair. All this was her fault. At last he drew heavy curtains, blotting out the trees, and turned to force her attention: “Susan, are you really sure we need a girl?” But she would not meet his appeal at all: She was running the brush over her hair again and again, lifting fine black clouds in a small hiss of electricity. She was peering in and smiling as if she were amused at the clinging hissing hair that followed the brush. “Y es, I think it would be a good idea on the whole,” she said, with the cunning of a madwoman evading the real point. In the mirror she could see her Matthew lying on his back, his hands behind his head, staring upwards, his face sad and hard. She felt her heart (the old heart of Susan Rawlings) soften and call out to him. But she set it to be indifferent. He said: “Susan, the children?” It was an appeal that almost reached her. He opened his arms, lifting them palms37up, empty. She had only to run across and fling herself into them, onto his hard, warm chest, and melt into herself, into Susan. But she could not. She would not see his lifted arms. She said vaguely: “Well, surely it’ll be even better for them? We’ll get a French or a German girl and they’ll learn the language.” In the dark she lay beside him, feeling frozen, a stranger. She felt as if Susan had been spirited away. She disliked very much this woman who lay here, cold and indifferent beside a suffering man, but she could not change her. Next morning she set about getting a girl, and very soon came Sophie Traub from Hamburg, a girl of twenty, laughing, healthy, blue-eyed, intending to learn English. Indeed, she already spoke a good deal. In return for a room—“Mother’s Room”—and her food, she undertook to do some light cooking, and to be with the children when Mrs. Rawlings asked. She was an intelligent girl and understood perfectly what was needed. Susan said: “I go off sometimes, for the morning or for the day—well, sometimes the children run home from school, or they ring up, or a teacher rings up. I should be here, really. And there’s the daily woman. ...” And Sophie laughed her deep fruity Fraulein’s laugh, showed her fine white teeth and her dimples38, and said: “You want some person to play mistress of the house sometimes, not so?” “Yes, that is just so,” said Susan, a bit dry, despite herself, thinking in secret fear how easy it was, how much nearer to the end she was than she thought. Healthy Fraulein Traub’s instant understanding of their position proved this to be true. The au pair girl, because of her own common sense, or (as Susan said to herself with her new inward shudder39) because she had been chosen so well by Susan, was a success with everyone, the children liking her, Mrs. Parkes forgetting almost at once that she was German, and Matthew finding her “nice to have around the house.” For he was now taking things as they came, from the Surface of 37palms—the part of the hand between the wrist and the fingers. 38dimples—A small hollow or dent in the surface of part of the human body, esp. in the cheeks or chin. 39shudder—a convulsive tremor of the body caused by fear, abhorrence, cold, etc. life, withdrawn both as a husband and a father from the household. One day Susan saw how Sophie and Mrs. Parkes were talking and laughing in the kitchen, and she announced that she would be away until teatime. She knew exactly where to go and what she must look for. She took the District Line to South Kensington, changed to the Circle, got off at Paddington40, and walked around looking at the smaller hotels until she was satisfied with one which had FRED’S HOTEL painted on windowpanes that needed cleaning. The facade41was a faded shiny yellow, like unhealthy skin. A door at the end of a passage said she must knock; she did, and Fred appeared. He was not at all attractive, not in any way, being fattish, and run-down, and wearing a tasteless striped suit. He had small sharp eyes in a white creased face, and was quite prepared to let Mrs. Jones (she chose the farcical42name deliberately, staring him out) have a room three days a week from ten until six. Provided of course that she paid in advance each time she came? Susan produced fifteen shillings (no price had been set by him) and held it out, still fixing him with a bold unblinking challenge she had not known until then she could use at will. Looking at her still, he took up a ten-shilling note from her palm between thumb and forefinger, fingered it; then shuffled up two half crowns43, held out his own palm with these bits of money displayed thereon, and let his gaze lower broodingly at them. They were standing in the passage, a red-shaded light above, bare boards beneath, and a strong smell of floor polish rising about them. He shot his gaze up at her over the still-extended palm, and smiled as if to say: What do you take me for? “I shan’t,” said Susan, “be using this room for the purposes of making money.” He still waited. She added another five shillings, at which he nodded and said: “You pay, and I ask no questions.”“Good,” said Susan. He now went past her to the stairs, and there waited a moment: the light from the street door being in her eyes, she lost sight of him momentarily. Then she saw a sober-suited, white-faced, white-balding little man trotting up the stairs like a waiter, and she went after him. They proceeded in utter silence up the stairs of this house where no questions were asked—Fred’s Hotel, which could afford the freedom for its visitors that poor Miss Townsend’s hotel could not. The room was hideous. It had a single window, with thin green brocade curtains, a three-quarter bed that had a cheap green satin44bedspread on it, a fireplace with a gas fire and a shilling meter by it, a chest of drawers, and a green wicker armchair. “Thank you,”said Susan, knowing that Fred (if this was Fred, and not George, or Herbert or Charlie) was looking at her not so much with curiosity, an emotion he would not own to, for professional reasons, but with a philosophical sense of what was appropriate. Having taken her money and shown her up and agreed to everything, he was clearly disapproving of her for coming here. She did not belong here at all, so his look said. (But she knew, already, how very much she did belong: the room had been waiting for her to join it.) “Would you have me called at five o’clock, please?” and he nodded and went downstairs. It was twelve in the morning. She was free. She sat in the armchair, she simply sat, she closed her eyes and sat and let herself be alone. She was alone and no one knew where she was. When a knock came on the door she was annoyed, and prepared to show it: but it was Fred himself, it was five o’clock and he was calling her as ordered. He flicked his sharp little eyes over the room—bed, first. It was undisturbed. She might never have been in the room at 40Paddington—railway and subway station in London. The circle is the Circle Line of the subway. 41facade—the face of a building, esp. its principal front. 42farcical—extremely ludicrous. 43crowns—crowns worth five shillings each. 44satin—a fabric of silk. all. She thanked him, said she would be returning the day after tomorrow, and left. She was back home in time to cook supper, to put the children to bed, to cook a second supper for her husband and herself later. And to welcome Sophie back from the pictures where she had gone with a friend. All these things she did cheerfully, willingly. But she was thinking all the time of the hotel room, she was longing for it with her whole being. Three times a week. She arrived promptly at ten, looked Fred in the eyes, gave him twenty shillings, followed him up the stairs, went into the room, and shut the door on him with gentle firmness. For Fred, disapproving of her being here at all, was quite ready to let friendship, or at least acquaintanceship, follow his disapproval, if only she would let him. But he was content to go off on her dismissing nod, with the twenty shillings in his hand. She sat in the armchair and shut her eyes. What did she do in the room? Why, nothing at all. From the chair, when it had rested her, she went to the window, stretching her arms, smiling, treasuring her anonymity, to look out. She was no longer Susan Rawlings, mother of four, wife of Matthew, employer of Mrs. Parkes and of Sophie Traub, with these and those relations with friends, school-teachers, tradesmen. She no longer was mistress of the big white house and garden, owning clothes suitable for this and that activity or occasion. She was Mrs. Jones, and she was alone, and she had no past and no future. Here I am, she thought, after all these years of being married and having children and playing those roles of responsibility—and I'm just the same. Yet there have been times I thought that nothing existed of me except the roles that went with being Mrs. Matthew Rawlings. Yes, here I am, and if I never saw any of my family again, here I would still be ... how very strange that is! And she leaned on the sill45, and looked into the street, loving the men and women who passed, because she did not know them. She looked at the downtrodden buildings over the street, and at the sky, wet and dingy, or sometimes blue, and she felt she had never seen buildings or sky before. And then she went back to the chair, empty, her mind a blank. Sometimes she talked aloud, saying nothing—an exclamation, meaningless, followed by a comment about the floral pattern on the thin rug, or a stain on the green satin coverlet. For the most part, she wool-gathered—what word is there for it?—brooded, wandered, simply went dark, feeling emptiness run deliciously through her veins like the movement of her blood. This room had become more her own than the house she lived in. One morning she found Fred taking her a flight higher than usual. She stopped, refusing to go up, and demanded her usual room, Number 19. “Well, you’ll have to wait half an hour then,” he said. Willingly she descended to the dark disinfectant-smelling46hall, and sat waiting until the two, man and woman, came down the stairs, giving her swift indifferent glances before they hurried out into the street, separating at the door. She went up to the room, her room, which they had just vacated. It was no less hers, though the windows were set wide open, and a maid was straightening the bed as she came in. After these days of solitude, it was both easy to play her part as mother and wife, and difficult—because it was so easy: she felt an impostor47. She felt as if her shell moved here, with her family, answering to Mummy, Mother, Susan, Mrs. Rawlings. She was surprised no one saw through her, that she wasn’t turned out of doors, as a fake. On the contrary, it seemed the children 45sill—a horizontal piece of wood or stone forming the bottom part of a window-opening; also window-sill. 46disinfectant-smelling—smell of a chemical staff which is used to cleanse (a room, clothes, etc.) from infection by destroying infecting micro-organisms, esp. by chemical means. 47impostor—a deceiver, a cheat. esp. a person who assumes a false identity in order to deceive others. loved her more; Matthew and she “got on” pleasantly, and Mrs. Parkes was happy in her work under (for the most part, it must be confessed) Sophie Traub. At night she lay beside her husband, and they made love again, apparently just as they used to, when they were really married. But she, Susan, or the being who answered so readily and improbably to the name of Susan, was not there: she was in Fred's Hotel, in Paddington, waiting for thee easing hours of solitude to begin. Soon she made a new arrangement with Fred and with Sophie. It was for five days a week. As for the money, five pounds, she simply asked Matthew for it. She saw that she was not even frightened he might ask what for: he would give it to her, she knew that, and yet it was terrifying it could be so, for this close couple, these partners, had once known the destination of every shilling they must spend. He agreed to give her five pounds a week. She asked for just so much, not a penny more. He sounded indifferent about it. It was as if he were paying her, she thought: paying her off—yes, that was it. Terror came back for a moment, when she understood this, but she stilled it: things had gone too far for that. Now, every week, on Sunday nights, he gave her five pounds, turning away from her before their eyes could meet on the transaction. As for Sophie Traub, she was to be somewhere in or near the house until six at night, after which she was free. She was not to cook, or to clean, she was simply to be there. So she gardened or sewed, and asked friends in, being a person who was bound to have a lot of friends. If the children were sick, she nursed them. If teachers telephoned, she answered them sensibly. For the five daytimes in the school week, she was altogether the mistress of the house. One night in the bedroom, Matthew asked: “Susan, I don’t want to interfere—don’t think that, please—but are you sure you are well?” She was brushing her hair at the mirror. She made two more strokes on either side of her head, before she replied: “Yes, dear, I am sure I am well.” He was again lying on his back, his big blond head on his hands, his elbows angled up and part-concealing his face. He said: “Then Susan, I have to ask you this question, though you must understand, I’m not putting any sort of pressure on you.”(Susan heard the word pressure with dismay, because this was inevitable, of course she could not go on like this.) “Are things going to go on like this?” “Well,” she said, going vague and bright and idiotic again, so as to escape: “Well, I don’t see why not.” He was jerking his elbows up and down, in annoyance or in pain, and, looking at him, she saw he had got thin, even gaunt48; and restless angry movements were not what she remembered of him. He said: “Do you want a divorce, is that it?” At this, Susan only with the greatest difficulty stopped herself from laughing: she could hear the bright bubbling laughter she would have emitted, had she let herself. He could only mean one thing: she had a lover, and that was why she spent her days in London, as lost to him as if she had vanished to another continent. Then the small panic set in again: she understood that he hoped she did have a lover, he was begging her to say so, because otherwise it would be too terrifying. She thought this out, as she brushed her hair, watching the fine black stuff fly up to make its little clouds of electricity, hiss, hiss, hiss. Behind her head, across the room, was a blue wall. She realised she was absorbed in watching the black hair making shapes against the blue. She should be answering him. “Do you want a divorce, Matthew?” He said: “That surely isn’t the point, is it?” “Y ou brought it up, I didn’t,” she said, brightly, suppressing meaningless tinkling laughter. 48gaunt—(of a person) very thin, bony, and pale (because of illness, tiredness, etc). Next day she asked Fred: “Have enquiries been made for me?” He hesitated, and she said: “I’ve been coming here a year now. I’ve made no trouble, and you’ve been paid every day. I have a right to be told." “As a matter of fact, Mrs. Jones, a man did come asking.” “A man from a detective agency?” “Well, he could have been, couldn’t he?” “I was asking you ... well, what did you tell him?” “I told him a Mrs. Jones came every weekday from ten until five or six and stayed in Number Nineteen by herself.” “Describing me?” “Well, Mrs. Jones, I had no alternative. Put yourself in my place.” “By rights I should deduct what that man gave you for the information.” He raised shocked eyes: she was not the sort of person to make jokes like this! Then he chose to laugh: a pinkish wet slit appeared across his white crinkled face; his eyes positively begged her to laugh, otherwise he might lose some money. She remained grave, looking at him. He stopped laughing and said: “You want to go up now?”—returning to the familiarity, the comradeship, of the country where no questions are asked, on which (and he knew it) she depended completely. She went up to sit in her wicker49chair. But it was not the same. Her husband had searched her out. (The world had searched her out.) The pressures were on her. She was here with his connivance50. He might walk in at any moment, here, into Room 19. She imagined the report from the detective agency: “A woman calling herself Mrs. Jones, fitting the description of your wife (etc., etc., etc.), stays alone all day in room No. 19. She insists on this room, waits for it if it is engaged. As far as the proprietor knows she receives no visitors there, male or female.” A report something on these lines, Matthew must have received. Well of course he was right: things couldn't go on like this. He had put an end to it all simply by sending the detective after her. She tried to shrink herself back into the shelter of the room, a snail51pecked out of its shell and trying to squirm back. But the peace of the room had gone. She was trying consciously to revive it, trying to let go into the dark creative trance (or whatever it was) that she had found there. It was no use, yet she craved52for it, she was as ill as a suddenly deprived addict. Several times she returned to the room, to look for herself there, but instead she found the unnamed spirit of restlessness, a prickling fevered hunger for movement, an irritable self-consciousness that made her brain feel as if it had coloured lights going on and off inside it. Instead of the soft dark that had been the room’s air, were now waiting for her demons that made her dash53blindly about, muttering words of hate; she was impelling herself from point to point like a moth dashing itself against a windowpane, sliding to the bottom, fluttering off on broken wings, then crashing into the invisible barrier again. And again and again. Soon she was exhausted, and she told Fred that for a while she would not be needing the room, she was going on holiday. Home she went, to the big white house by the river. The middle of a weekday, and she felt guilty at returning to her own home when not expected. She stood unseen, looking in at the kitchen window. Mrs. Parkes, wearing a 49wicker—a pliant twig, esp. as used for making baskets, chairs, etc. 50connivance—the action of conniving (at or in a person’s misconduct); assistance in wrongdoing by conscious failure to prevent or condemn; tacit permission. 51snail—any of numerous terrestrial or freshwater gastropod molluscs having a well-developed spiral or whorled shell capable of housing the whole body; such an animal regarded as the type of very slow motion. 52crave—long for, desire earnestly. 53dash—spirit, energy, liveliness. discarded floral overall of Susan’s, was stooping54to slide something into the oven. Sophie, arms folded, was leaning her back against a cupboard and laughing at some joke made by a girl not seen before by Susan—a dark foreign girl, Sophie’s visitor. In an armchair Molly, one of the twins, lay curled, sucking her thumb and watching the grownups55. She must have some sickness, to be kept from school. The child’s listless face, the dark circles under her eyes, hurt Susan: Molly was looking at the three grownups working and talking in exactly the same way Susan looked at the four through the kitchen window: she was remote, shut off from them. But then, just as Susan imagined herself going in, picking up the little girl, and sitting in an armchair with her, stroking her probably heated forehead, Sophie did just that: she had been standing on one leg, the other knee flexed, its foot set against the wall. Now she let her foot in its ribbon-tied red shoe slide down the wall, and stood solid on two feet, clapping her hands before and behind her, and sang a couple of lines in German, so that the child lifted her heavy eyes at her and began to smile. Then she walked, or rather skipped, over to the child, swung her up, and let her fall into her lap at the same moment she sat herself. She said “Hopla! Hopla! Molly . . .”and began stroking the dark untidy young head that Molly laid on her shoulder for comfort. Well.... Susan blinked the tears of farewell out of her eyes,and went quietly up the house to her bedroom. There she sat looking at the river through the trees. She felt at peace, but in a way that was new to her. She had no desire to move, to talk, to do anything at all. The devils that had haunted the house, the garden, were not there; but she knew it was because her soul was in Room 19 in Fred’s Hotel; she was not really here at all. It was a sensation that should have been frightening: to sit at her own bedroom window, listening to Sophie’s rich young voice sing German nursery songs to her child, listening to Mrs Parkes clatter and move below, and to know that all this had nothing to do with her: she was already out of it. Later, she made herself go down and say she was home: it was unfair to be here unannounced. She took lunch with Mrs Parkes, Sophie, Sophie’s Italian friend Maria, and her daughter Molly, and felt like a visitor. A few days later, at bedtime, Matthew said: “Here’s your five pounds,”and pushed them over at her. Yet he must have known she had not been leaving the house at all. She shook her head, gave it back to him, and said, in explanation, not in accusation: “As soon as you knew where I was, there was no point.” He nodded, not looking at her. He was turned away from her: thinking, she knew, how best to handle this wife who terrified him. He said: “I wasn’t trying to ... it’s just that I was worried.” “Yes, I know.” “I must confess that I was beginning to wonder ...” “You thought that had a lover?” “Yes, I am afraid I did.” She knew that he wished she had. She sat wondering how to say: “For a year now I’ve been spending all my days in a very sordid hotel room. It’s the place where I’m happy. In fact, without it I don’t exist.”She heard herself saying this, and understood how terrified he was that she might. So instead she said: “Well, perhaps you’re not far wrong.” Probably Matthew would think the hotel proprietor lied: he would want to think so. “Well,” he said, and she could hear his voice spring up, so to speak, with relief: “in that case I must confess I’ve got a bit of an affair on myself.” 54stoop—(of a person) lower the body by bending the trunk or the head and shoulders forward, sometimes bending the knee at the same time. 55grownups—the three adult people in house. She said, detached and interested: “Really? Who is she?” and saw Matthew’s startled look because of this reaction. “It’s Phil. Phil Hunt.” She had known Phil Hunt well in the old unmarried days. She was thinking: No, she won’t do, she’s too neurotic56and difficult. She’s never been happy yet. Sophie’s much better: Well Matthew will see that himself, as sensible as he is. This line of thought went on in silence, while she said aloud: “It’s no point in telling you about mine, because you don’t know him.” Quick, quick, invent, she thought. Remember how you invented all that nonsense for Miss Townsend. She began slowly, careful not to contradict herself: “His name is Michael”(Michael What?)—“Michael Plant.” (What a silly name!) “He’s rather like you—in looks, I mean.”And indeed, she could imagine herself being touched by no one but Matthew himself. “He’s a publisher.” (Really? Why?) “He’s got a wife already and two children.” She brought out this fantasy, proud of herself. Matthew said: “Are you two thinking of marrying?” She said, before she could stop herself: “Good God, no!” She realised, if Matthew wanted to marry Phil Hunt, that this was too emphatic57, but apparently it was all right, for his voice sounded relieved as he said: “It is a bit impossible to imagine oneself married to anyone else, isn’t it?” With which he pulled her to him, so that her head lay on his shoulder. She turned her face into the dark of his flesh, and listened to the blood pounding through her ears saying: I am alone, I am alone, I am alone. In the morning Susan lay in bed while he dressed. He had been thinking things out in the night, because now he said: “Susan, why don’t we make a foursome58?” Of course, she said to herself, of course he would be bound to say that. If one is sensible, if one is reasonable, if one never allows oneself a base thought or an envious emotion, naturally one says: Let’s make a foursome! “Why not?” she said. “We could all meet for lunch. I mean, it’s ridiculous, you sneaking off to filthy hotels, and me staying late at the office, and all the lies everyone has to tell.” What on earth did I say his name was?—she panicked, then said: “I think it’s a good idea, but Michael is away at the moment. When he comes back though—and I’m sure you two would like each other.” “He’s away, is he? So that’s why you’ve been ...” Her husband put his hand to the knot of his tie in a gesture of male coquetry59she would not before have associated with him; and he bent to kiss her cheek with the expression that goes with the words: Oh you naughty little puss! And she felt its answering look, naughty and coy, come onto her face. Inside she was dissolving in horror at them both, at how far they had both sunk from honesty of emotion. So now she was saddled with a lover, and he had a mistress! How ordinary, how reassuring, 56neurotic—of the nature of or characterized by neurosis or nervous disorder. 57emphatic—(of language, tone, gesture, etc) forcibly expressive. 58foursome—the marriage and lover relationship of the four people, maintaining the relationship as it is now. 59coquetry—behaviour intended to excite admiration or love in the opposite sex merely for the sake of vanity or mischief; flirtation. how jolly! And now they would make a foursome of it, and go about to theatres and restaurants. After all, the Rawlings could well afford that sort of thing, and presumably the publisher Michael Plant could afford to do himself and his mistress quite well. No, there was nothing to stop the four of them developing the most intricate relationship of civilised tolerance, all enveloped in a charming afterglow60of autumnal passion. Perhaps they would all go off on holidays together? She had known people who did. Or perhaps Matthew would draw the line there? Why should he, though, if he was capable of talking about “foursomes” at all? She lay in the empty bedroom, listening to the car drive off with Matthew in it, off to work. Then she heard the children clattering off to school to the accompaniment of Sophie's cheerfully ringing voice. She slid down into the hollow of the bed, for shelter against her own irrelevance. And she stretched out her hand to the hollow where her husband's body had lain, but found no comfort there: he was not her husband. She curled herself up in a small tight ball under the clothes: she could stay here all day, all week, indeed, all her life. But in a few days she must produce Michael Plant, and—but how? She must presumably find some agreeable man prepared to impersonate a publisher called Michael Plant. And in return for which she would—what? Well, for one thing they would make love. The idea made her want to cry with sheer exhaustion. Oh no, she had finished with all that—the proof of it was that the words “make love,” or even imagining it, trying hard to revive no more than the pleasures of sensuality, let alone affection, or love, made her want to run away and hide from the sheer effort of the thing.... Good Lord, why make love at all? Why make love wit h anyone? Or if you are going to make love, what does it matter who with? Why shouldn’t she simply walk into the street, pick up a man and have a roaring sexual affair with him? Why not? Or even with Fred? What difference did it make? But she had let herself in for it—an interminable61stretch of time with a lover, called Michael, as part of a gallant62civilised foursome. Well, she could not, and she would not. She got up, dressed, went down to find Mrs. Parkes, and asked her for the loan of a pound, since Matthew, she said, had forgotten to leave her money. She exchanged with Mrs. Parkes variations on the theme that husbands are all the same, they don’t think, and without saying a word to Sophie, whose voice could be heard upstairs from the telephone, walked to the underground, travelled to South Kensington, changed to the Inner Circle, got out at Paddington, and walked to Fred’s Hotel. There she told Fred that she wasn't going on holiday after all, she needed the room. She would have to wait an hour, Fred said. She went to a busy tearoom-cum-restaurant around the corner, and sat watching the people flow in and out the door that kept swinging open and shut, watched them mingle and merge and separate, felt her being flow into them, into their movement. When the hour was up she left a half crown for her pot of tea, and left the place without looking back at it, just as she had left her house, the big, beautiful white house, without another look, but silently dedicating it to Sophie. She returned to Fred, receive d the key of No. 19, now free, and ascended the grimy stairs slowly, letting floor after floor fall away below her, keeping her eyes lifted, so that floor after floor descended jerkily to her level of vision, and fell away out of sight. No. 19 was the same. She saw everything with an acute, narrow, checking glance: the 60afterglow—scenery of sunset in the afternoon. 61interminable—with no prospect of an end; tediously long or habitual. 62gallant—excellent, fine, splendid, noble. It’s ironic to the abnormal relationship. cheap shine of the satin spread, which had been replaced carelessly after the two bodies had finished their convulsions under it; a trace of powder on the glass that topped the chest of drawers; an intense green shade in a fold of the curtain. She stood at the window, looking down, watching people pass and pass and pass until her mind went dark from the constant movement. Then she sat in the wicker chair, letting herself go slack. But she had to be careful, because she did not want, today, to be surprised by Fred’s knock at five o’clock. The demons were not here. They had gone forever, because she was buying her freedom from them. She was slipping already into the dark fructifying dream63that seemed to caress her inwardly, like the movement of her blood ... but she had to think about Matthew first. Should she write a letter for the coroner?64But what should she say? She would like to leave him with the look on his face she had seen this morning—banal, admittedly, but at least confidently healthy. Well, that was impossible, one did not look like that with a wife dead from suicide. But how to leave him believing she was dying because of a man—because of the fascinating publisher Michael Plant? Oh, how ridiculous! How absurd! How humiliating! But she decided not to trouble about it, simply not to think about the living. If he wanted to believe she had a lover, he would believe it. And he did want to believe it. Even when he had found out that there was no publisher in London called Michael Plant, he would think: Oh poor Susan, she was afraid to give me his real name. And what did it matter whether he married Phil Hunt or Sophie? Though it ought to be Sophie, who was already the mother of those children ... and what hypocrisy to sit here worrying about the children, when she was going to leave them because she had not got the energy to stay. She had about four hours. She spent them delightfully, darkly, sweetly, letting herself slide gently, gently, to the edge of the river. Then, with hardly a break in her consciousness, she got up, pushed the thin rug against the door, made sure the windows were tight shut, put two shillings in the meter, and turned on the gas. For the first time since she had been in the room she lay on the hard bed that smelled stale, that smelled of sweat and sex. She lay on her back on the green satin cover, but her legs were chilly. She got up, found a blanket folded in the bottom of the chest of drawers, and carefully covered her legs with it. She was quite content lying there, listening to the faint soft hiss of the gas that poured into the room, into her lungs, into her brain, as she drifted off into the dark river. 1963 63fructifying dream—a series of beautiful dreams. fructifying—be fruitful or productive. 64Should she write a letter for the coroner—Susan was thinking of suicide and considering whether to leave the last words to her husband and her children. coroner—a legal officer with local or national jurisdiction who holds inquests on deaths of those who may have died by violence or accident.