母女之间的相处之道

Calling a truce in mother-daughter conflict Jessica Setnick was on her way to her mother's house for dinner when she decided that she had something to say that couldn't wait. She sent her mom a text: 'I got my hair cut today and I think it looks fine. So if you don't like it, please don't say anything.' Ms. Setnick, a 39-year-old registered dietitian in Dallas, says she frequently braces herself for her mother's disapproving remarks. Such as, 'Now that your husband has been laid off, you will need to stop eating out so much.' Or, 'The green napkins would look much better on the table.' Or, 'Why did you buy so many ears of corn?' Ms. Setnick says she finds these comments condescending and often feels hurt by them. They lead to arguments. 'It's as if she feels she knows what's best for me,' says Ms. Setnick. 'She doesn't see me as my own person.' Ms. Setnick's mother views things differently. 'I never see my comments as criticism,' says Sandra Zucker, 70, a college librarian. 'I see them as a helpful suggestion.' It's common for mother-daughter relations to be stormy in the daughter's teen years. But why do mothers and daughters continue to push each other's buttons well into adulthood? Some moms never stop nudging. It was their job for many years, after all. Although it is usually well-intentioned, it also is a way for them to get attention from their adult daughters. When daughters won't listen, mothers feel powerless -- and then nudge even more. 'More often than not, the criticism is, 'I miss you and want you to call me more,' ' says Lisa Brateman, a licensed clinical social worker and family therapist in Manhattan. 'But mothers can't say that, because they've had that fight before. So they say, 'Your lipstick looks bad.' 'Dr. Brateman offers psychotherapy for mothers and daughters together that is much like couples therapy. Daughters, meanwhile, tend to be very sensitive to mom's input. They think she is being rude or doesn't respect them as an adult. Underneath, they fear they've failed the one person they have been seeking approval from since before they could speak. Certainly, mother-son relationships can be intense, too, but typically they aren't as combustible as the mother-daughter combination. Women are more emotional than men. And sometimes mothers and daughters compete, both inside and outside the family, says Mikki Meyer, a marriage and family therapist in Manhattan and Highland, N.Y. Mothers may place unrealistic and at times conflicting expectations on their daughters. They want their daughters to do things they didn't get to do, but they also want their daughters to be like them. They want their daughters to respect them, and they want them to be a friend. The conflict usually starts when the daughter hits adolescence and begins to rebel against authority. A natural break should occur between adolescence and adulthood, where the mother allows her daughter to grow up and make her own decisions. Some mothers, however, have trouble letting go. Ms. Setnick says her problems with her mother began when she was 12 and her father died. She had been very close with her dad, who was doting; she recalls feeling he 'left' her with her mother. 'I thought I was all grown up and already knew it all, and my mom was trying to boss me around,' she says. 'I thought, 'I don't need you.' ' For years, the two fought over everything. Were Ms. Setnick's skirts too short? Should she take an umbrella? To this day, Ms. Setnick says she can't stand umbrellas because they remind her of being controlled by her mom. One argument involving screaming and door slamming was about a purse. Ms. Setnick was a bridesmaid in a wedding and didn't think she needed to bring one for the evening. Her mother felt otherwise. 'It was like a clash of wills,' Ms. Setnick recalls. 'Who was going to capitulate?' Ms. Zucker says she never thought of herself as overbearing, especially compared with her own mother, who is now deceased. Growing up, she wasn't allowed to ride her bike beyond the driveway. She remembers when, as a teenager, she wouldn't eat what her mom made for dinner, and then she would find it on her plate the next morning at breakfast. As an adult, she signed her first apartment lease without telling her mother because she was so fearful of her disapproval. 'I really tried to be different than my mother,' Ms. Zucker says. 'But I guess that control-in-order-to-protect is ingrained in me.' And so the cycle goes on. Ms. Zucker once called her daughter almost every day for three weeks straight to see if she'd scheduled a mammogram, Ms. Setnick says. Ms. Zucker acknowledges that she nudged her daughter, because it was important, but she prefers not to call it 'controlling.' 'Let's say I am directive,' she says. Ms. Setnick calls it annoying. She has been known to storm out of the house after the two argue. (She takes a walk around the block to cool off and returns.) 'This kind of conflict drains me completely,' she says. 'I am a grown person. I want to do it my way. Why are we fighting over this?' Mothers and adult daughters get on each other's nerves because they are close -- some experts might say too close. Mothers may see daughters as an extension of themselves or be afraid to let go. Daughters are often reluctant to set boundaries. 'They can be very successful adults in their careers but still have this power struggle,' says Ms. Brateman. In the mother-daughter therapy, she has a meeting with the pair, then with each separately and then with the two together once a week. Typically, the daughter has asked the mom to go to therapy with her. Unlike reluctant husbands, mothers are often willing to go. They don't view therapy has having a stigma, the way men often do. 'And even though they may not have a good relationship with their daughter, they want to,' Ms. Brateman says. Mother-daughter therapy has its own special challenges. There is a big difference in power between the two parties, unlike with most marriages. Mom is the first authority figure and always remains so. Both mother and daughter tend to feel guilt about how they have treated the other. A few years ago, Ms. Setnick asked her mother to go to a therapy session with her and attend a three-hour seminar called 'Healing the Mother Wound.' Ms. Zucker says she didn't think there was a 'wound,' but she agreed to go because it seemed important to her daughter. At the seminar and in therapy, Ms. Setnick talked about her issues with her mother; Ms. Zucker talked about problems with her own mother. 'It was great,' Ms. Setnick says. Going to a mother-daughter therapy session and working individually, Ms. Setnick says she learned to stand up to her mom -- calmly. She explained she would no longer load her mother's dishwasher because she was tired of being told she did it wrong. If she finds herself having an upsetting phone conversation with her mother, she says she needs to hang up but will call back later. 'I recognize my power not to engage,' Ms. Setnick says. 'And I choose to see her not as a person who thinks I am incompetent, but as someone who wants my life to be better and thinks she can help.' Ms. Zucker says she was surprised -- but not offended -- by the changes in her daughter. 'Once she was able to express her anger in a way I could hear it, I understood,' she says. 'And since I could never, ever say anything to my mother, I saw it as a good thing that my kid could say something to me.' Keeping the Peace Here are some ideas for how mothers and daughters can improve their relationship. -- Daughters, when you speak to your mother, speak as an adult. Remind yourself that you are not 10 years old and always in trouble, and remind your mother, too. ('It's interesting you always think I am late. I haven't been late since 1974.') Hear what your mother is saying at face value, not through the filter of the past. -- Tell your mom how you do things. Explain that you will ask for her advice if you need it. -- Don't lie to your mom. It puts distance between you. And she always finds out: She has eyes in the back of her head -- remember? -- Mothers, ask your daughter, 'What do you need help with?' Don't assume you know. 'Asking is the most important thing that the mom can do, because it gives credibility to the daughter as an adult,' says Mikki Meyer, a marriage and family therapist. -- Tell your daughter what your mother was like. Share how she treated you and how it made you feel. 'This is very interesting for the daughter to hear,' Dr. Meyer says. -- Ask, 'What are we really fighting about?' Does your daughter feel disrespected? Is Mom mad that you never call? Discuss what is really wrong. -- Examine your contribution to the problem. Are you passive-aggressive? Overreacting? Passing blame? Accept responsibility. -- Explain your anger; don't show it. Better yet, leave it at the door. 'You can pick it up on the way out,' says Lisa Brateman, a licensed clinical social worker and family therapist. -- Be willing to be vulnerable. Say, 'The tension is upsetting me. I miss you.' -- Find something fun and mutually satisfying to do together instead of the negative pattern. Art? Hiking? Antiquing? Couples who try new activities together are happier. It can be true of moms and daughters, too. -- Imagine a satisfying relationship. 'You can only have it if you can picture it in some way,' Ms. Brateman says. 母女之间的相处之道 在回母亲家吃晚饭的途中，杰西卡•塞特尼克决定有些话必须马上就说。 她给母亲发了一条信息，“我今天剪了头发，我觉得看起来还不错。如果您不喜欢，请什么都别说。” 塞特尼克今年39岁，是达拉斯的一名注册营养师。她说自己经常会先做好准备以应对母亲不以为然的，比如说“现在你丈夫被裁员了，你就应该别太频繁地外出吃饭了”、“桌上放绿色的餐巾可能会更好看”或者“你为什么买这么多玉米？”。 塞特尼克说，她觉得这些评价听上去盛气凌人，经常感觉自己受到了伤害。这些话也常常在母女间引发争论。塞特尼克说，“她似乎觉得她了解什么是对我最有利的，她并不把我看作一个独立的人。” 塞特尼克的母亲桑德拉•扎克现年70岁，是一名大学图书馆管理员。她对此则有不同看法，她说，“我从来不认为我的评价是批评，我认为它们是有用的建议。” 母女关系在女儿十几岁的时候风波不断属于常见现象，但是为什么直到女儿已经长大成人，母女之间还在继续让对方不快呢？ 有些母亲永远唠叨不断，毕竟多年来她们一直都是这样的。她们的唠叨往往出于善意，而且这也是她们引起成年女儿注意的一个方法。当女儿不予理会时，母亲会觉得权威尽失，然后会变本加厉地唠叨。 曼哈顿注册临床社会工作者及家庭关系治疗师丽莎•布雷特曼指出，“大多数情况下，这些批评真正的含义是‘我想你了，你要多打些电话给我。’但是妈妈们不会这么说，因为她们之前已经有过那样的争论，所以她们会说‘你的唇膏不好看。’”布雷特曼博士为存在问题的母女双方共同提供心理治疗，这与婚姻治疗非常相似。 然而，女儿们会对母亲的意见相当敏感，认为母亲表现粗鲁或者不把自己当作成年人来尊重。此外，她们内心深处也害怕让自己还不会说话时就一直想得到她认可的这个人失望。 当然，母子之间也可能会关系紧张，但通常不会像母女关系那样一点就着。首先，女性比男性更加情绪化；其次，如曼哈顿及纽约州海兰德镇的婚姻及家庭关系治疗师米琪•梅耶所说，有时候母女之间会互相竞争，在家中和家外均是如此。 母亲们可能会把不切实际、有时甚至是自相矛盾的期望寄托在女儿身上。一方面她们希望女儿去做自己没能去做的事情，一方面她们又希望女儿像自己一样；她们既希望女儿尊敬自己，又希望女儿把自己当朋友。 冲突往往始于女儿进入青春期、开始反抗权威时，正常情况下会在她们的青春期至成年期之间爆发。母亲们应当在这一时期放手让女儿成长、自己做决定，但是有些母亲却难以放手。 塞特尼克称，她与母亲的矛盾在她12岁时父亲去世的那一年开始出现，她与宠爱她的父亲一直非常亲近。她回忆说，她感到父亲把她“抛下”留给了母亲。她说，“当时我认为我已经完全长大而且已经什么都懂了，但是母亲却总是让我干这干那。我心底在想，‘我不需要你。’” 多年来，这母女二人在任何事情上都会争论一番，比如说塞特尼克的裙子是不是太短了、她该不该带上伞等等。时至今日，塞特尼克说她仍然对带伞有抗拒情绪，因为那会让她觉得又在受到母亲的控制。有一次，关于要不要带上手提包的争论还引得她们大喊大叫和生气地甩门。当时塞特尼克要在婚礼上当伴娘，她认为没有必要带包赴晚宴，但她的妈妈却不这么认为。塞特尼克回忆说，“这就像是双方意愿的冲突，（最后要看）谁会会做出让步。” 塞特尼克的母亲则说，她从不认为自己行事专横，特别是如果与她已去世的母亲相比的话。她在长大后也不得把自行车骑出车道外。她还记得在十几岁的时候，有一次她不愿意吃母亲做的晚饭，第二天吃早饭时发现盘子上仍是昨晚她不愿吃的东西。长大之后，她没有告诉母亲便签下了自己的第一个租房，因为她非常害怕母亲不同意。扎克说，“我确实想不要像我的母亲一样，但我想那种为了保护而严格控制的观念在我心里已经根深蒂固。” 因此，这种循环仍在延续。塞特尼克说，母亲曾连续三个星期几乎每天都打电话给她，就是为了确认她是否已经安排乳腺X线检查。扎克承认自己对女儿唠叨，但那是因为事情重要，而且她不喜欢把这称为“控制”。她说，“应当说我是在提供指导。” 塞特尼克说母亲的做法让人恼火。有一次她在与母亲争吵之后怒气冲冲离开了家（后来她在街区转了转平息心情后便回家了）。她说，“这种冲突让我筋疲力尽，我是一个成年人，我想按自己的想法做事，为什么我们总是因为这种事情吵架？” 母亲与成年女儿之间经常会刺痛各自的神经，这是因为她们关系亲密，或者在某些专家看来也许是过于亲近。母亲可能会把女儿看作是自己生命的延续或者害怕放手，而女儿们通常并不情愿，往往想要划定界限。 布雷特曼博士指出，“她们也可能是事业非常成功的成年人，但依然面临这种权利之争。”在为出现问题的母女提供治疗时，她首先会和母女一起会面，然后与她们单独会面，接下来每周再与她们会面一次。通常都是女儿提出让母亲与自己一起去接受治疗。 与婚姻治疗中不愿配合的丈夫们不同，母亲们往往都愿意接受治疗。她们并不觉得治疗是一件丢人的事情，而男性往往会这么认为。布雷特曼博士说，“即使她们与女儿的关系并不好，她们也愿意来。” 母女关系的修复也有其特殊的困难。与大多数婚姻的情况不同，母女之间的权力存在巨大差距，母亲是首要的权威人物而且一直都是。母亲和女儿都容易因为自己对待对方的态度感到内疚。 几年前，塞特尼克让母亲和她一起接受治疗并参加了一个为时三小时、名为“抚平母亲的创伤”的讨论会。虽然她的母亲认为并不存在所谓的“创伤”，还是同意了参加讨论会，因为女儿显然很看重这件事。在参加讨论会和接受治疗的期间，塞特尼克谈论了与母亲之间的问题，扎克则谈论了与她自己母亲的问题。塞特尼克说，“那种体验棒极了。” 通过接受母女关系治疗和独立工作，塞特尼克说她学会了如何反抗母亲──但是是以一种平静的方式。她解释道，她不再帮母亲把碗放进洗碗机去，因为她已经厌烦母亲总是说她放得不对。当她觉得与母亲在电话中的谈话让人沮丧时，她会说她得挂电话了但是稍后会打回去。塞特尼克说，“我意识到自己有权利这样做。我宁愿把她看作一个希望我能过得更好并认为她能提供帮助的人，而不是一个认为我没有能力的人。” 扎克说她对女儿的变化感到惊讶，但并不觉得受到冒犯。她说，“只要她能以一种我可以听下去的方式表达她的愤怒，我就能理解。由于我自己再也不能对我的母亲说些什么，所以我觉得我的孩子能和我说些什么是一件好事。” 如何和平相处 下文提供了一些母女间可以如何改善关系的意见： ──与母亲说话时，要像成年人一样。要提醒自己你不再是10岁，不会总是麻烦不断，同时也要提醒你母亲这一点。（比如说“你总是觉得我会迟到，真有意思，我从1974年以来就没有迟到过了。”）要听出母亲的话所表达的真正意思，不要凭以往的经历选择性地听。 ──告诉母亲你的做事方式，向她解释如果有需要你会征求她的建议。 ──不要对母亲撒谎，这会让你们之间产生隔阂，而且她总是会发现的。要记得，妈妈们的后脑勺可是都长了眼睛的。 ──对于身为母亲的，要问女儿“你有什么需要帮助吗？”不要想当然地以为自己知道女儿的需要。梅耶博士说，“询问是母亲所能做的最重要的事情，因为它体现了对女儿作为一名成年人的信任。” ──告诉女儿你自己的母亲是怎样一个人，与她分享你的母亲是如何对待你的、你的感受又是如何。梅耶博士说，“她们会觉得这些事情听上去非常有意思。” ──自问“我们到底是在为什么事情争吵？”你的女儿是否觉得自己没有受到尊重？是因为女儿从不打电话给你而生气吗？要讨论真正的问题出自哪里。 ──审视你对问题的责任。你是被动还是主动？反应过度还是逃避责任？要承担起责任。 ──解释你为什么生气，而不是把它表现出来，不把不良情绪带出门就更好了。布雷特曼博士说，“你可以在外出的途中提出来。” ──愿意示弱，比如说些“紧张关系让我很难过。我想你”之类的话。 ──找些有趣且双方都乐意的事情一起做，比如欣赏艺术品、远足、淘古玩，而不是去做些双方都不乐意又枯燥的事情。夫妻们如共同尝试新事物会觉得更快乐，母亲和女儿之间也能如此。 ──在脑海中想象一种令人满意的关系。布雷特曼博士说，“只有你能用某种方式把它勾勒出来，你才能实现它。”