感情创伤的恢复期有多长？

感情创伤的恢复期有多长？ 　　无论你是失去了工作还是女朋友，要不了多久就会有人告诉你，重新振作起来，时间会治愈所有的伤痛。 　　Whether you've lost a job or a girlfriend, it won't take long before someone tells you, Dust yourself off. Time heals all wounds. 　　的确是这样，可是要多长时间呢? 　　Yes, but how much time? 　　专家说大多数人应该给自己整整两年的时间以从分手或失业这样的感情创伤中恢复。如果发生的事情让你猝不及防──你的配偶突然离你而去，你毫无预料地遭到解雇──恢复起来可能需要花更长的时间。 　　Experts say most people should give themselves a good two years to recover from an emotional trauma such as a breakup or the loss of a job. And if you were blindsided by the event -- your spouse left abruptly, you were fired unexpectedly -- it could take longer. 　　芝加哥的精神病学家、美国精神分析协会(the American Psychoanalytic Association)前主席普鲁登丝·古尔格雄(Prudence Gourguechon)说，这比大多数人预计的时间要长。知道感情困扰持续的大致时间长短很重要。古尔格雄博士说，一旦你克服了那种震惊感，认可了恢复是一个漫长过程，你就可以放松了。“你不必给自己压力，觉得自己应该没事，因为事实上你并不是没事。” 　　That is more time than most people expect, says Prudence Gourguechon, a psychiatrist in Chicago and former president of the American Psychoanalytic Association. It's important to know roughly how long the emotional disruption will last. Once you get over the shock that it is going to be a long process, you can relax, Dr. Gourguechon says. 'You don't have to feel pressure to be OK, because you're not OK.' 　　一些专家称这个恢复期为“认同危机过程”(identity crisis process)。他们说，在这段时间里感到郁闷沮丧、焦虑不安和心烦意乱是完全正常的──换句话说，情绪上是一团乱麻。(专家说，至亲至爱的人去世，要从中恢复是件更复杂的事，需要的时间一般会超过两年。) 　　Some experts call this recovery period an 'identity crisis process.' It is perfectly normal, they say, to feel depressed, anxious and distracted during this time -- in other words, to be an emotional mess. (Getting over the death of a loved one is more complicated and typically will take even longer than two years, experts say.) 　　有些人也许发现他们离婚后恢复的时间不需要两年。但是专家警告说，忽视这一过程可能会得不偿失，比如以搬到遥远的地方重新开始生活或投入一段新感情的方式加快或拒绝承认这一过程，那样也许只能让最终清算日的到来往后推迟一点而已。 　　Some people may find they need less than two years to bounce back from a divorce. But experts caution that it probably doesn't pay to ignore the process, hurry it along or deny it, say, by immediately moving across the country to get a fresh start or diving into a new relationship. That will probably only postpone the day of reckoning. 　　毕竟，重新考虑可能被感情创伤所打乱的所有事情是需要花费时间的，比如一个人的生活现状、财务状况、职业目标以及──或许是最重要的──一个人如何看待自己。没有任何捷径。古尔格雄博士说：“你的整个生活都必须重新评估、重新编织。” 　　After all, it takes time to rethink all the things that may be disrupted by emotional trauma, such as one's living situation, finances, professional goals and -- maybe most important -- how a person sees him or herself. There aren't any shortcuts. 'The whole sweep of your life has to be reassessed and rewoven,' Dr. Gourguechon says. 　　四年前，迈克尔·哈萨德(Michael Hassard)申请与结婚近八年的妻子离婚并开始参加阿拉巴马州马斯尔肖尔斯(Muscle Shoals)浸礼会教堂开办的“离婚关怀”班。第一次上课的时候，老师说走出情绪波动期需要两年的时间。 　　Four years ago, Michael Hassard filed for divorce from his wife of almost eight years and began attending a 'divorce care' class at his Baptist church in Muscle Shoals, Ala. At the first meeting, the instructor said it would take two years to come out of the emotional turmoil. 　　哈萨德说：“听到那样的说法实际上是一种解脱。它给了我一个终点线和一个为之努力的目标。”现年42岁的哈萨德在一家设计和建造化工厂的公司担任工程师。 　　'Hearing that was actually a relief,' says Mr. Hassard, 42 and an engineer at a company that designs and builds chemical plants. 'It gave me a finish line and a goal to work toward.' 　　哈萨德得到了他儿子和女儿的监护权，突然间成为一名单亲父亲，他曾感到郁闷、愤怒、怨恨、不知所措。一天晚上，他坐在课堂里，开始把他的恢复看成是他在军队集训的越野障碍训练场上必须攀爬过去的一堵 ，翻过去会很艰难，没有可以迂回包抄的路。但是到了 的另一面，事情会发生好转。 　　Mr. Hassard, who was awarded custody of his son and daughter, had been feeling depressed, angry, resentful and overwhelmed as a suddenly-single parent. He was sitting in class one night and began to see his recovery as the wall he'd had to scale on an Army boot-camp obstacle course. It was going to be tough. There was no way around it. But things would be better on the other side. 　　回到家后，他在冰箱上贴了一张纸条，标题是“两年”。纸条上写道：“我要恢复正常，我会把这件事做得很好。” 　　He went home and taped a note, titled 'Two Years,' onto the fridge. It said, 'I am going to get back to normal, and I am going to do it right.' 　　从离婚或失业中恢复实际上包含两个交叉的过程，其一是从悲痛中恢复，另一个甚至更耗时的过程是重建你的生活结构。你会到哪里吃晚餐?你会交哪些朋友?古尔格雄博士说，毕竟，如果你是个结了婚的人，哪怕你讨厌你的配偶，“你也知道何时参加活动，何时回家”。 　　Recovering from a divorce or job loss actually involves two overlapping processes. There is the recovery from grief. And there is the even more time-consuming process of rebuilding the structure of your life. Where will you eat dinner? Who will your friends be? After all, if you are married, even if you hate your spouse, 'you know when to show up and when to come home,' Dr. Gourguechon says. 　　如果你事先知道自己即将失去什么──比如是你提出的离婚──那你会比措手不及的人好一些。在印第安纳大学-普度大学印第安纳波利斯分校(Indiana University-Purdue University, Indianapolis)担任沟通学教授的桑德拉·彼得罗尼奥(Sandra Petronio)说，一个遭受突然袭击的人“需要更多地深思，你需要对发生在你身上的事情进行一些分析。” 　　If you saw the loss coming -- say you initiated the divorce -- you are ahead of a person who was caught off guard. A person taken by surprise is 'required to do a lot more rumination,' says Sandra Petronio, a professor of communication at Indiana University-Purdue University, Indianapolis. 'You need to do some type of analysis about what happened to you.' 　　加利福尼亚州肯特菲尔德(Kentfield)的执业临床社会工作者伊雷恩·狄龙(Ilene Dillon)说：“你会开始认为自己疯了，因为通常你为修正自己这艘航船所做的那些事情──诸如和母亲交谈、找邻居帮忙、睡一会儿觉这些事情──都不再起作用了，而且你还有所有这些似乎无法抑制的情绪。” 　　'People start thinking they are crazy because the things they usually do to right their ship -- things like talking to their mother, asking their friends for help, getting some sleep -- don't work anymore,' says Ilene Dillon, a licensed clinical social worker in Kentfield, Calif. 'And you have all these emotions that won't seem to stop.' 　　为了帮助自己熬过这一过程，你得接受自己没有过错这一点，哪怕你的情绪感觉难以抑制。提醒自己这段日子终将结束，告诉你的朋友和家人，虽然在一段时间之内你可能不再是平常的那个自己，但是你仍然需要他们的支持，你会恢复过来的。 　　To help yourself get through the process, accept that there is nothing wrong with you, even if your emotions feel overwhelming. Remind yourself that this period will end. Tell your friends and family that while you may not be your typical self for a while, you still need their support and you will recover. 　　如果可以做到的话，不要做出任何永久性的重大改变，比如搬到一座新的城市去住。接受心理治疗是有帮助的，如此你就不必独自一人熬过这一过程。至于新的一段感情──还是算了吧。 　　Don't make any major, permanent changes, if you can help it, such as moving to a new city. Therapy can help, so you won't have to go through the process alone. As for a new relationship -- forget about it. 　　在哈萨德自称的两年“离婚恢复期”中，他每三个月左右就修改一下冰箱上的纸条，更新自己的进展和目标。他的纸条针对不同方面的目标，比如：“自我价值”、“正视我的愤怒”、“做一名好家长”、“宽宏大量”、“继续前进”。 　　During what he calls his own two-year 'divorce recovery process,' Mr. Hassard revised the note on his fridge every three months or so, updating his progress and objectives. He targeted different areas, such as 'self worth,' 'facing my anger,' 'being a good parent,' 'forgiveness,' 'moving on.' 　　后来迁居犹他州森特维尔(Centerville)的哈萨德说：“如果你不重新改写目标，它们就开始变得不清晰了。” 　　'If you don't rewrite your goals,' says Mr. Hassard, who has since moved to Centerville, Utah, 'they start to become invisible.' 　　有时，一些小的决定就会难倒他，比如在床的哪一边睡觉，或者美好的一天结束时给谁打电话。他记日记，然后在后院的烧烤架上把其中最痛苦的内容烧掉。有时一个人开车上下班时他会大哭大叫，摇下车窗或打开折叠敞篷“任其在自己身后兜风鼓胀”。他等了一年多，直到他发现自己是“在寻找美好的事物而不是试图躲避坏事”了才开始约会。 　　Sometimes small decisions tripped him up, such as which side of the bed to sleep on, or whom to call at the end of a good day. He kept a journal, burning his most bitter entries on the backyard barbecue grill. He sometimes cried or yelled while commuting alone in his car, rolling down the windows or dropping the convertible top to 'let it all blow out behind you.' He waited more than a year to start dating, until he noticed himself 'looking for good things instead of trying to avoid the bad.' 　　两年时间满了的时候，哈萨德在一个夜晚举办了庆祝会。当孩子们在享受睡衣晚会的时候，他给自己做了最爱吃的一顿饭──培根鸡肉卷、奶油蘑菇烤四季豆和蒜香吐司──还开了一瓶灰比诺葡萄酒。 　　One night, when the two years were up, Mr. Hassard held a celebration. While the kids were at a slumber party, he cooked himself his favorite meal -- bacon-wrapped chicken, green-bean casserole and garlic toast -- and opened a bottle of Pinot Grigio. 　　哈萨德一边在自家屋后门廊看着日落，一边评估自己的进展。他自问道：“我恢复了吗?”他说，答案是“是的”。 　　Watching the sunset from his back porch, he assessed his progress and asked: 'Am I done?' The answer, he says, was 'Yes.' 　　他说：“在你真正到达终点线之前，这条线只是一个象征性的存在。最终我到达了终点线。” 　　'The finish line is only metaphorical until you make it real,' he says. 'And I got there.'