母女之间的相处之道

                            Jessica Setnick was on her way to her mother's house for dinner when she decided that she had something to say that couldn't wait.     在回母亲家吃晚饭的途中，杰西卡•塞特尼克（Jessica Setnick）决定有些话必须马上就说。     She sent her mom a text: 'I got my hair cut today and I think it looks fine. So if you don't like it, please don't say anything.'     她给母亲发了一条信息，"我今天剪了头发，我觉得看起来还不错。如果您不喜欢，请什么都别说。"     Ms. Setnick, a 39-year-old registered dietitian in Dallas, says she frequently braces herself for her mother's disapproving remarks. Such as, 'Now that your husband has been laid off, you will need to stop eating out so much.' Or, 'The green napkins would look much better on the table.' Or, 'Why did you buy so many ears of corn?'     塞特尼克今年39岁，是达拉斯的一名注册营养师。她说自己经常会先做好准备以应对母亲不以为然的评价，比如说"现在你丈夫被裁员了，你就应该别太频繁地外出吃饭了"、"桌上放绿色的餐巾可能会更好看"或者"你为什么买这么多玉米？"。     Ms. Setnick says she finds these comments condescending and often feels hurt by them. They lead to arguments. 'It's as if she feels she knows what's best for me,' says Ms. Setnick. 'She doesn't see me as my own person.'     塞特尼克说，她觉得这些评价听上去盛气凌人，经常感觉自己受到了伤害。这些话也常常在母女间引发争论。塞特尼克说，"她似乎觉得她了解什么是对我最有利的，她并不把我看作一个独立的人。"     Ms. Setnick's mother views things differently. 'I never see my comments as criticism,' says Sandra Zucker, 70, a college librarian. 'I see them as a helpful suggestion.'     塞特尼克的母亲桑德拉•扎克（Sandra Zucker）现年70岁，是一名大学图馆管理员。她对此则有不同看法，她说，"我从来不认为我的评价是批评，我认为它们是有用的建议。"     It's common for mother-daughter relations to be stormy in the daughter's teen years. But why do mothers and daughters continue to push each other's buttons well into adulthood?     母女关系在女儿十几岁的时候风波不断属于常见现象，但是为什么直到女儿已经长大成人，母女之间还在继续让对方不快呢？     Some moms never stop nudging. It was their job for many years, after all. Although it is usually well-intentioned, it also is a way for them to get attention from their adult daughters. When daughters won't listen, mothers feel powerless -- and then nudge even more.     有些母亲永远唠叨不断，毕竟多年来她们一直都是这样的。她们的唠叨往往出于善意，而且这也是她们引起成年女儿注意的一个方法。当女儿不予理会时，母亲会觉得权威尽失，然后会变本加厉地唠叨。     'More often than not, the criticism is, 'I miss you and want you to call me more,' ' says Lisa Brateman, a licensed clinical social worker and family therapist in Manhattan. 'But mothers can't say that, because they've had that fight before. So they say, 'Your lipstick looks bad.' ' Dr. Brateman offers psychotherapy for mothers and daughters together that is much like couples therapy.     曼哈顿注册临床社会工作者及家庭关系治疗师丽莎•布雷特曼（Lisa Brateman）指出，"大多数情况下，这些批评真正的含义是'我想你了，你要多打些电话给我。'但是妈妈们不会这么说，因为她们之前已经有过那样的争论，所以她们会说'你的唇膏不好看。'"布雷特曼博士为存在问的母女双方共同提供心理治疗，这与婚姻治疗非常相似。     Daughters, meanwhile, tend to be very sensitive to mom's input. They think she is being rude or doesn't respect them as an adult. Underneath, they fear they've failed the one person they have been seeking approval from since before they could speak.     然而，女儿们会对母亲的意见相当敏感，认为母亲现粗鲁或者不把自己当作成年人来尊重。此外，她们内心深处也害怕让自己还不会说话时就一直想得到她认可的这个人失望。     Certainly, mother-son relationships can be intense, too, but typically they aren't as combustible as the mother-daughter combination. Women are more emotional than men. And sometimes mothers and daughters compete, both inside and outside the family, says Mikki Meyer, a marriage and family therapist in Manhattan and Highland, N.Y.     当然，母子之间也可能会关系紧张，但通常不会像母女关系那样一点就着。首先，女性比男性更加情绪化；其次，如曼哈顿及纽约州海兰德镇（Highland）的婚姻及家庭关系治疗师米琪•梅耶（Mikki Meyer）所说，有时候母女之间会互相竞争，在家中和家外均是如此。     Mothers may place unrealistic and at times conflicting expectations on their daughters. They want their daughters to do things they didn't get to do, but they also want their daughters to be like them. They want their daughters to respect them, and they want them to be a friend.     Phil Marden对于做女儿的，与母亲说话时，要像一个成年人一样。母亲们可能会把不切实际、有时甚至是自相矛盾的期望寄托在女儿身上。一方面她们希望女儿去做自己没能去做的事情，一方面她们又希望女儿像自己一样；她们既希望女儿尊敬自己，又希望女儿把自己当朋友。     The conflict usually starts when the daughter hits adolescence and begins to rebel against authority. A natural break should occur between adolescence and adulthood, where the mother allows her daughter to grow up and make her own decisions. Some mothers, however, have trouble letting go.     冲突往往始于女儿进入青春期、开始反抗权威时，正常情况下会在她们的青春期至成年期之间爆发。母亲们应当在这一时期放手让女儿成长、自己做决定，但是有些母亲却难以放手。     Ms. Setnick says her problems with her mother began when she was 12 and her father died. She had been very close with her dad, who was doting; she recalls feeling he 'left' her with her mother. 'I thought I was all grown up and already knew it all, and my mom was trying to boss me around,' she says. 'I thought, 'I don't need you.' '     塞特尼克称，她与母亲的矛盾在她12岁时父亲去世的那一年开始出现，她与宠爱她的父亲一直非常亲近。她回忆说，她感到父亲把她"抛下"留给了母亲。她说，"当时我认为我已经完全长大而且已经什么都懂了，但是母亲却总是让我干这干那。我心底在想，'我不需要你。'"     For years, the two fought over everything. Were Ms. Setnick's skirts too short? Should she take an umbrella? To this day, Ms. Setnick says she can't stand umbrellas because they remind her of being controlled by her mom. One argument involving screaming and door slamming was about a purse. Ms. Setnick was a bridesmaid in a wedding and didn't think she needed to bring one for the evening. Her mother felt otherwise. 'It was like a clash of wills,' Ms. Setnick recalls. 'Who was going to capitulate?'     多年来，这母女二人在任何事情上都会争论一番，比如说塞特尼克的裙子是不是太短了、她该不该带上伞等等。时至今日，塞特尼克说她仍然对带伞有抗拒情绪，因为那会让她觉得又在受到母亲的控制。有一次，关于要不要带上手提包的争论还引得她们大喊大叫和生气地甩门。当时塞特尼克要在婚礼上当伴娘，她认为没有必要带包赴晚宴，但她的妈妈却不这么认为。塞特尼克回忆说，"这就像是双方意愿的冲突，（最后要看）谁会会做出让步。"